Who Wins In A Rowing Race: Me Or The Loughlin Daughters?

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Before we get into it, let’s check the vidya!



Alright, it’s a little tough to compare my tape to the “tape” of Isabella Rose and Oliva Jade. After all, they sent photographs in. They say a picture says a thousand words, but if I’m the USC rowing coach, I’d much rather see their 1000-meter splits. Anyway, we’ll do our best with what we’ve got.


Both girls are clearly experienced rowers. The first picture shows a solid “extraction” or “finish,” high and at the solar plexus to maximize range of motion. The second, from the other daughter, shows solid extension at the “catch” and a relatively straight back. Comparing these fundamentals to my own, I give the edge to the girls. My stroke got a little janky once I started to pass out.


This one goes to me. I’m sorry but in that first pic, that outfit is a disgrace to the rowing community. Those socks? Basic Nike cross trainers? A lightning t-shirt as if to suggest she’s fast? Let the performance speak for itself. The second picture is a little better-suited to a strenuous morning spent dipping blades and dodging waves, but it screams yoga far more than DRIVE PHASE! DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE! In terms of overall look, USC for sure is taking me.

Commitment to Excellence

This one is close. In my defense, I’m putting up a decent time here on my 500-m split. I’m yanking that damn chain for all it’s worth. But on the other hand, these two girls were involved in (perhaps unknowingly, wink wink) federal program bribery. Unfortunately, I just don’t have it in me to commit a felony using my rowing machine. So for that reason, I give the nod to the Loughlin girls.

Winners: Loughlin Daughters!