9 Recent Action Movies That Are Really ‘Chick Flicks’ In Disguise
Those movies you watch with your buddies? The ones that make jump and shout with delight as you anticipate bullets and explosions and fight scenes galore? Some of ‘em are perpetrating a fraud.
I hate to tell you, but you’ve been tricked, bro. And I’m gonna open your eyes to the truth.
Hollywood is desperate to get your money. But they know that in order to get the max dollar for every flick they have to throw the ladies a bone, too. So they take a chick flick, a movie that highlights love, romance and emotional roller coasters via the presence of a female romantic lead, and wrap it in titties, gunfights and explosions. Half the time they don’t even give you the titties!
Look, I’m not saying that these movies are inherently bad. Just that many of your favorite action flicks are little more than chick flicks with explosions and fist fights. Oh, I wish it weren’t true. But you’ll start to see a pattern as I reveal truth after truth on these chick flicks masquerading as dude flicks. So understand that you’re gonna have some massive spoilers coming your way. You may even wanna throw out some of your DVDs when I’m done.
Fast And Furious 6
Fast And Furious has rebooted itself as a family-based series of heist movies. There’s enough hot cars and car chases and cars crashing to satisfy your manly-movie-bone. But why does all this action have to happen? Because Dom’s ex-girlfriend is, maybe, a part of this crafty group of thieves.
Dom has a hot Brazilian chick for his girl. Dom’s sister just had a kid with his best friend, Brian. They just stole a hundred million dollars from a criminal cartel and got away scott free. But Dom’s crazy ex reappeared up with a bunch of criminals so he has to call his friends in from their good times to risk their lives helping him go after her even though they weren’t getting paid and Brian was gonna have to go into a dangerous prison in a country where he was wanted felon.
This isn’t a tale of a family reuniting against all odds. It’s the story of the most pussy-whipped man on film putting his loved ones in danger so he can be Captain Savaho. And she shot him for it, too? Sheeeeeeyit.
This entire movie is about a guy who almost got his coworkers killed because he couldn’t get over his dead wife. There’s even a moment in the movie when Eames (Tom Hardy) realizes that his life is in danger solely because Cobb (Leo DiCaprio) can’t control the venomous presence of his own ex-wife in other people’s dreams. One look in Cobb’s face and you can see how Hardy had to prepare for that scene.
Hardy: So what’s my motivation for this scene?
Director: How would you feel if your best friend let his crazy girlfriend ransack your house during a party, but wouldn’t own up to it?
Hardy: I’d think he was a giant, mutated, steamy, dripping pussy.
Director: That’s where you want to go with…
Hardy: An ugly, stinking, pathetic, sopping-wet-with-infection pussy.
Director: I think you got the ide…
Hardy: A pus-filled, runny, looking-like-rotted-cabbage…
Director: Oh, for fuck’s sake! ACTION!
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
This movie should have been about Peter Parker coming into his own as a superhero during the emergence of the Sinister Six. Instead, all of that beautiful story-telling might was buried under Peter Parker’s inability to control his interfering girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, from throwing herself, headlong, into danger. How many times while you watched the movie were you screaming, ‘Get the fuck out of there Gwen!’? Her constant and unnecessary involvement coupled with her death was, often, an unwelcome intrusion into the meat of the story.
Some of you will yell at me, saying that she had to be a part of the story in accordance with comic book canon. Untuck your balls my nerdy homies. Nothin’ wrong with her being part of the story. It’s just that the way she was crowbarred into it at every turn had me thinkin’ that they couldn’t make Gwen part of the story properly so they substituted good sense with woman-baiting chick-flickery.
One of the baddest killers on earth stops killing people because he fell in love, then gets back into killing people after they kill the dog she left him. Dude. Just…dude.
Ever have a friend with an SO he brought everywhere? Football night with the buddies? Strip club birthday party? Bachelor party? This is RED 2.
Frank (Bruce Willis) is with Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker) when shit starts to hit the fan and Frank needs to go do a bunch of killing/torture/mayhem-type shit to prevent some terrorism-type madness. Somehow, his girlfriend keeps getting herself involved. And every time she did, save for one time she got lucky, she fucked up every plan they had. In trying to sell you the charming love story of a retired CIA operative they made his girl look like a bumbling idiot and him look like a love-sick moron.
The story even had her making out with a couple of strangers. Blech.
Man Of Steel
Lois Lane is one tough cookie. Oh yeah. She could drink straight scotch. She stared down a military officer while accusing him of ‘measuring dicks.’ And she spent the other 90% of the movie getting rescued from situations she shouldn’t have been in. Why? So they could convince you that a smart guy like Super Man could fall in love with a human woman whose body, his super sperm, would destroy.
Lois Lane was supposed to be a reporter that braved combat zones to report stories. Instead, she was a pretty girl soaking up screen time making Superman work harder than he should have to save humanity. In so doing they did both Superman AND Lois a disservice and lowered the quality of the film into romance novel buffoonery.
Jack thought he was in love with Victoria. Turns out he was really in love with Julia. Everything else in this movie is an attempt to distract you from the fact that this is really just a soap opera played out over an alien-takeover-post-apocalyptic backdrop with Morgan Freeman and pissed-off-Jaime-Lannister.
Let’s see…Vampires? Check. Love story? Check. No matter how many pairs of pants they put on this thing the Twilight movies have pretty much forever linked vampire films as chick flicks with fangs. Oh, they tried to make you think otherwise with all the fighting and impaled bodies and bloodshed. But when all the soldiers look more like runway models than fighting men that have been afield for years at a time, one has to wonder why one just sprung $35 to see a movie trying to convince you it’s something it ain’t. And what it ain’t is a true action film. The nerve.