Hey. It’s the Game of Thrones Chill Bros breakdown.
You know the drill, you know the chill.
Here’s our (my) rankings for Episode 8, No One.
First up, the not chill Bros.
Daenerys Targaryen
Much like in last season’s episode 9, where I gave Drogon shit for waiting until the last possible second to save Dany from the Sons of the Harpy, you’d think she could have shown up like seven minutes earlier and torched the fleet attacking Meereen instead of strolling in as her damn city was burning down?
You think?
Chill Bro Points: -5,000
Tyrion Lannister
Forcing two people to drink who have both sworn off drinking ain’t cool, dude. Respect people’s individual choices.
Chill Bro Points: -1,000
Arya Stark
How about like a, “Hey, sorry things didn’t work out, sorry I’m not the person you thought I was, but I really appreciate the dope ass year of magic assassin training you gave me for free?”
Not even a thank you. Ned Stark would be ashamed.
Chill Bro Points: -500
The Masters
Or, you could not burn down the city you promised to not burn down like nine days ago. You could do that, you know?
Chill Bro Points: -250
Brynden Tully
First you refuse to save your nephew, now you’d rather die than go help your niece’s daughter? Kinda fucking unchill.
Chill Bro Points: -100
Now, the chill Bros.
5. The Mountain
Taking an axe to the chest like a boss is one chill act of chill.
Chill Bro Points: 250
4. Ser Bronn
Fucking with your buddy you haven’t seen in forever is what good Bros do.
Chill Bro Points: 500
3. The Waif
Like the bad ass love child of the T-1000 in Terminator 2 and Principal Skinner as he hunted down Bart for skipping school in The Boy Who Knew Too Much.
Chill Bro Points: 1,000
2. Lady Crane
Being generous with your opiate stash is pretty much all you can ask for in a friend.
Chill Bro Points: 5,000
1. King Tommen Baratheon
Look, there’s no denying King Tommen is a brainwashed sucker who is willing to let his mother die at the hands of a religious sect that he joined like 45 minutes ago. Not cool at all.
That aside, given what happened this weekend, there’s a lot to be said for a leader who says “We’ve used violence to solve our differences for so long. I think we should stop doing that.”
And then actually does something to make that happen.
That’s a cool as hell stance, you know?
Chill Bro Points: 25,000
Don’t like what I decided? See you in the comments.
Now, for the rankings after eight episodes.
50. Daenerys Targaryen: -14,000
49. The Children of the Forest: -10,000
T-47.The Hound: -5,000
T-47. Randall Tarly: -5,000
46. Jamie Lannister: -2,350
45. The High Sparrow: -1,900
44. Yara Greyjoy: -1,375
43. Tyrion Lannister: -1,050
T-39. The Original Three Eyed Raven: -1,000
T-39. Bran Stark: -1,000
T-39. Robert Glover: -1,000
T-39. Samwell Tarly: -1,000
38. Lyanna Mormont: -750
T-33. Septa Mordant: -500
T-33. Lord Varys: -500
T-33. Euron Greyjoy -500
T-33. Melisandre -500
T-33. Loras Tyrell: -500
32. Brynden Tully: -475
T-30. The Masters: -250
T-30. Ser Davos Seaworth: -250
29. Those Two Idiot Dothraki Bros: -200
28. Jorah Mormont: -100
27. The Bernie Sanders Mother Fucker From Episode One: -50
26. The Waif: -25
25. Daario Naharis and Jorah Mormont’s Horses: 50
24. Cersei Lannister: 100
T-22. Roose Bolton: 200
T-22. The Dude Sucking On Some Titties: 200
T-19. Wun Wer Wun Dar Wun: 250
T-19. Olenna Tyrell: 250
T-19. Brienne of Tarth: 250
18. Sansa Stark: 300
T-15: The Dothraki: 400
T-15. Theon Greyjoy: 400
T-15. Robyn Arryn’s Gyrfalcon: 400
T-11. Ser Bronn: 500
T-11. Rhaegal and Viserion: 500
T-11. Ser Arthur Dayne: 500
T-11. Jon Snow 500
10. The Mountain: 600
9. Arya Stark: 700
8. Ser Alliser Thorne: 750
7. Daario Naharis: 1,000
6. Tormund Giantsbane: 1,600
5. Ellaria Sand: 2,000
4. Lady Crane: 5,000
3. Drogon: 20,000
2. King Tommen Baratheon: 24,500
1. Hodor: 27,000,000