Every one here knows that Game of Thrones has no chill. Chill is grooving to Pepper’s 2006 album ‘No Shame’ on a sunny day, somewhere in a field with a couple of your best Bros and a cooler full of ice cold Pacifico bottles and some fresh cut lime wedges.
That’s fucking chill.
Game of Thrones ain’t that. From Bran being pushed out of a window in episode one to Ned’s head getting lopped off eight hours of show later, to all the other non-chill shit that happened in seasons two through five (excluding the scene where Daenerys shouted ‘DRACARYS’ at her dragon to burn that dude alive after tricking him into selling her the Unsullied, because that was chill), could anyone reasonably expect season six to have some chill?
Fuck no. I imagine Jon Snow is going to get raised from the dead, only to be stabbed to death again by another group of Crows, then raised again, then stabbed to death again, then burned at the stake so this time he can’t be raised again, only to be raised again miraculously, then drowned in the ocean, before coming back to life.
And that’s all gonna be in the first episode. So, yea. This year, Sansa is gonna die and Ramsey Bolton is going to stick his dick in her dead corpse. Cersei is somehow going to kill Brienne of Tarth. A horse will get sepsis. It’s gonna be some shit.
But that doesn’t mean that chill won’t occur, and that’s what good Bros do. They find the chill. We spent all last season searching for it, and we are doing it again this year.
So who will be chill this season? On to the rankings.
The “Ain’t Got No Fucking Chill” Chill
Bitch ass Drogon, in a world where feelings get you nowhere, is the most emo motherfucker in the entire seven kingdoms. If he’s not off pouting about his mother, I don’t know, birthing him into this world through fire, he’s flying to god knows where, acting with the same kind of wanderlust every 27-year-old girl espouses to have in their Tinder bio.
You’re a dragon. Be a fucking dragon.
Man these motherfuckers fucking sucked last season. What makes anyone think they’re gonna be any better this year?
He took his roller coaster relationship with Danny worse than my 19-year-old ass did when I got dumped before I left for college. If Game of Thrones had iPods, I guarantee you Jorah’s would be pumping ‘Rocks Tonic Juice Magic’ as he and Daario Naharis search for Khaleesi.
A knight that listens to Saves the Day. Shaking my head so hard.
The High Septon
Fuck this dude. Fuck this dude so hard. He professes to be all about the Faith, but look at that face. That is hiding some secrets, and let me tell you what they are.
He is into autoerotic asphyxiation, and he has to pop boner pills just to get an erection before masturbating.
Game of Thrones most entitled millennial got invited to the world’s dopest secret school for magic assassins and didn’t make it ten minutes before bitching about how hard it was. Now, she’s blind? You’re telling me that’s gonna make her more chill? Fuck no. She’s gonna demand the Hall of Faces add a Braille card catalog to help her navigate the place.
Pretty sure, towards the end of this season, The Wall is gonna bitch out and let a bunch of White Walkers through. Not cool.
The “Do I Have Do Invite Them To The Party?” “Come On, Don’t Worry, They’ll Be Fine” Chill
If you can avoid her the whole night, you are fine, but get cornered and you are in for twenty minutes of proselytizing about the god dang Lord of Light.
Might be dead, which would honestly be the chillest thing he’s ever done.
Sansa is like a player you hear about in the offseason that’s cut out partying, hired a dietician, and is really refocused on the game. Could have a breakout season of chill.
Man, if she wasn’t fucking part dragon, she would suck so much, but like you always feel obligated to invite your dealer to your birthday because they’ve hooked you up with the dank shit so often, you give her your begrudging respect.
The “Word? Cool.” Bros
King Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, and Protector of the Realm
She spent all last season locked in a cell, which while not inherently chill, is not unchill. Anyway, I do imagine she will be fired up when she gets out.
Dogs are chill.
She may knife you in the dick, but at least she will let you know why she knifed you in the dick, which is fine by me.
The “No Doubt Absolutely You Would Want To Puff A Jay With” Chill.
The Night’s King.
Ser Robert Strong.
Dude is gonna wreck some shit this season, just you watch.
Bro is such a Bro. It looks like, from the trailers, he’s going to war against someone, be it the Boltons or the White Walkers or both, and are you gonna bet against him? I know I’m not.
Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun
Imagine taking mushrooms with this dude.
Ser Davos Seaworth
Seems like a guy who always wants to do the right thing. We respect that, even if it gets him nowhere.
Yea, his house is into some fucked up shit, but you can’t hold that against him. What you can say is that, if you ignore the flayings and shit, he’s kind of a chill guy and takes care of his shit. That’s why, right now, he is my pick to win this season’s Game of Chill Bros.
Got a different pick? Care to add anyone I left out? Hit me in the comments and then check back on Monday for the first rankings of the season.
And for more GoT, check out Paul’s piece on the 14 unanswered questions you may have about this season.