This Is What Happens When You Tell Your Date You Banged The Denny’s Waitress

Girls are weird, man. First they tell you they want you to be open and honest with them and then they flip a fucking lid when you admit that you banged the cute Denny’s waitress. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Question for you bros: has someone close to you ever said something about you when you’re girlfriend is around that she didn’t know about you? It’s fucking diabolical. She’ll be like ‘Matt, why didn’t you tell me you liked to collect pogs? Can I speak to you in the other room?’ And then you have to drum up this bullshit story about finding the right time to tell her you collect pogs and have a diverse collection of over 250 slammers, when the real answer is ‘CAN I JUST HAVE ANYTHING TO MYSELF? Do I need to check in with you every time I have a runny dump?’

Secrets are necessary in a relationship. If girls knew a tiny slither of the pie chart that is my fucked up life, I’d be tugging it to RedTube until my dying days.

I gotta hand it to Jimmy Tatro for being honest here, but he should know rule #1 of maintaining a relationship: hide your feelings, act like you have answers.

[h/t TFM]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.