If you’re unfamiliar with the new movie Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, you shouldn’t be, because it’s a combo of other zombie movies with a twist, with the biggest brotourage in history, the Boy Scouts, set to save the day from a zombie attack.
With the flick set to release October 30th, it got us thinking about what it would be like if us dudes were able to earn Scout badges from our epic stories—so that’s exactly what we’re doing, awarding ourselves the badges for our mom to sew onto our uniform.
Today’s is the First-Aid Fail Badge, which involves a story about some friends, football and two missing front teeth.
Oh, trust us, all of these stories are true, Scouts honor.
This is how it went down.
Somehow, in the history of quad pairings for college dorms, four of my best friends from high school won the Gold Medal of rooms, getting hooked up with a pad that was converted from a couple old bowling lanes at Miami (OH), meaning their room was the length of a lane and the width of about three or four of them. In other words, it was a palace when compared to the dungeons the rest of us all lived in freshman year.
These guys, who have been friends through high school and a few years prior, did what most bros do while going off to college, joining an intramural football team.
Now, they had a long history of backyard games and such, so they all knew, and assumed, that when it was time to toss around the ol’ pigskin, nothing would get in the way of that unless the excuse was good enough.
With my buddy Pops, Benny and Pratt all set to go, the only one left to put on their armbands, compression shorts and receiver gloves was Mitch—who was pussyfooting around and not feeling football today as he laid on the top bunk of his bed.
As the other guys were giving him crap and trying to convince him to get his ass out of bed and get ready, Pops was pulling on Mitch a little extra hard, actually dragging him from the top bunk and face first into the ground, causing him to bust his two front teeth—which required serious reconstructive surgery to get his smile right.
Who knows how in the hell the football game ended up, but, even before playing, the trio had already lost. Well, Mitch did.
Maybe in an even stranger twist of fate, Pratt—who was the raging partier of the quad—actually busted up his two front teeth a couple weeks later when he came home from uptown blacked out and slipped on something, going head first into a coffee table that cost about $20 bucks.
He, too, needed to get his two front teeth repaired.
I don’t know what it is about that sick dorm room and losing front teeth, but there has to be some sort of curse.
And this, bros, is how our buddy earned the Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse First-Aid Fail Badge, so never back out of playing flag football.
You can award yourself your own set of badges, too!