I hate getting texts from strangers on my phone. People will accidentally text the most absolute random shit. “Hey, when you go to the store, can u pick me up some hemorrhoid cream? Thnx. And can u also pick up 6 boxes of Little Debbie brownies? Thnx. Don’t get the Little Debbie brownies with the walnuts, they make me shit. Make sure u get da cosmic brownies with da fake M&M’s on dem. Thnx fam.” Bitch, I don’t know you, but if you’re getting Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies then we can definitely be friends. Now imagine getting your phone bombarded by crazy phone calls and texts on the daily because it used to be owned by a mega celebrity. That was the case for poor Jonathan Nichols.
In 2012, Nichols got a new cellphone and didn’t transfer his phone number (Rookie mistake). Soon after, Nichols was getting offers of backstage passes and “raunchy” bikini pics on his phone. The latter doesn’t seem half bad.
But it gets worse. Much worse.
“Check this guy out,” a text message said with a link to a YouTube video of a guy making beats. He’s getting fucking random solicitations of mixtapes that are dropping and are assuredly “straight fire.” Oh hell naw. “That’s pretty cool,” the 33-year-old from Seattle politely texted back. “But you clearly have the wrong number.”
Things got even more bizarre.
From the Seattle Times:
He started getting phone calls from luxury-car dealerships — Ferrari, Lamborghini, Jaguar — all asking if a Mr. Anthony Ray would like to come out to the dealership and take one or two of their cars for a spin.
“I’d love to,” Nichols told salespeople. “But I think you have the wrong guy. I’m a broke law student.”
Then on August 12, his phone blew the fuck up. While Nichols was at a softball tournament, he received photos of women giving kisses, texts that said “Love you,” and “Happy Birthday,” and a pic of a bottle of “Big Bottom” whiskey. He also got several messages referencing the 1992 rap hit “Baby Got Back.” That’s when Nichols channeled his inner Dean Strang and pieced the clues together to formulate a reasonable explanation as to why his phone was being barraged.
August 12 is the birthday of Anthony Ray, better known as the notorious Seattle rapper, Sir Mix-a-Lot. He had Sir Mix-A-Lot’s old phone number! No it was not 1-900-MIX-ALOT.
Now it totally made sense why he was getting text message invites to the fast food restaurant Dick’s Drive-In, which was mentioned in Sir Mix-A-Lot’s first joint “Posse on Broadway.”
Excluding the bikini pics, it sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare.
Having people leaving singing messages in your voice mail:
“Oh, my, God Becky, look at her butt,
It is so big, she looks like,
One of those rap guys’ girlfriends.”
You take your grandma out to brunch and then somebody hits you up:
“My anaconda don’t want none,
Unless you’ve got buns, hon,
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don’t lose that butt.”
People drunk calling you at 2:47 in the morning:
“But I gotta be straight when I say I want to fuck
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin’ on
A lot of simps won’t like this song
‘Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I’d rather stay and play
‘Cause I’m long, and I’m strong
And I’m down to get the friction on.”
Just pure misery. But I guess it could be worse. You could get Chad Kroeger’s old phone number.