Unfortunately, many so-called “bros” are making the following fashion mistakes. All of these items are a big NO if you ever want to a) get a decent job b) get laid by someone who doesn’t have an STD and whose name isn’t Candace or Amber, and c) be taken seriously.
1. Cargo shorts. Unless, you’re in the US army, you have no excuse to still be wearing these.
They’re exceedingly baggy, unattractive, and guarantee that you won’t get into any fraternity. However, if you’re too cheap to buy condoms then stick with the cargo shorts. You’ll need those pockets to hold all of your shame. “Cargo shorts: the only contraception that works 100% of the time.”
2. Flat brimmed fitted hats. Flat brimmed fitted hats are fine if your name is Lil Bow Wow or Fat Joe. If you don’t want to throw out your “mad dope” fitteds, just make sure they always match perfectly with your dew rags! Please leave these hats back in 2005, along with 50 Cent. Broken in fitted hats and snapbacks are much better options.
3. Tribal tattoos. Bottom line, these tattoos are trashy and just plain stupid. They’re meaningless and make you look like the ultimate douche bag. Tribal tattoos are good for only one thing: being unemployed.
4. Pastel overload. Whether you want to admit it, pastels can be a great addition to your
wardrobe. Light blue khaki shorts are perfect for summer BBQs, but wearing too much pastel can make you look like a major douche. If you go with a pastel dress shirt, avoid wearing it with pastel colored khakis or pastel shorts. You’re not an Easter egg.
5. Carpenter jeans. Congratulations! You’re one of the few people in America who has managed to somehow find a place that still sells these! Unless, you’re a construction worker or a handyman, carpenter jeans should not be a part of your daily attire. They’re hideously ugly and make you look like your five years old. Good news, normal jeans can be found almost everywhere else.
6. Short sleeve dress shirts. I’m still trying to figure out why respectable brands, such as Ralph Lauren, still make these. There is no surer way that you won’t get the job you just interviewed for if you wear one of these. They look unprofessional and should only be worn when you’re trying to impersonate Charlie Sheen. If it’s hot out, just roll up your sleeves.
7. Pierced ears. “You’re tacky, and I hate you.” Enough said.
8. Deep v-neck tees. Sure, they look great on your girlfriend, but no one really wants to see your man cleavage. Plus, these shirts are the mark of a hipster. Stick with crew necks, unless you’re working at Chippendales.
9. Jorts, or jean shorts. Acceptable only in jest, or on Larry the Cable Guy. These should not be worn unless…nothing. Don’t wear them if you want to be considered a worthy human being.
10. Chacos or teva sandals. I don’t care how comfortable you think these shoes are, if
you’re going to wear them then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, “virgin for life.” Chacos are almost as bad as Sketchers shape-ups, which are arguably the ugliest shoes ever created. I think the only time it’s acceptable to wear these is if you’re on Survivor or you’re Whitewater rafting. Otherwise, ditch the mandals.