Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘Pain & Gain’

Paramount Pictures

If I really wanted to be a journalist, I’d do a bunch of steroids before seeing this movie. Thankfully, I don’t, so I just smoked a bunch of weed instead.

Straight up to start this thing: Pain & Gain is the best movie Michael Bay has made since at least Bad Boys. The problem with this dude is that when he has special effects to fall back on, he makes his movies all about them and they suck. I’m not stupid enough to say he’s “best with the human element” or something like that but the only “effects” in this movie are the hilariously ripped bodies of its main characters.

Based on a true story, Pain & Gain is about a bunch of Florida bodybuilders who kidnap a rich businessman and get him to sign over everything he owns to them. They then try to kill him, but he escapes and hires a detective to figure out their identities and bring them in. It’s corny as hell but it doesn’t really matter because the whole thing is handled with the seriousness it deserves: none.

Mark Wahlberg’s a freaking clown (sorry, Boston) with his whole “I could have stopped 9/11” routine so it makes sense to see him in a clown-ass movie like this opposite The Rock who is also a clown (but a pretty cool one). Michael Bay is a total clown, and this is the movie where he embraces his clownishness. We all know that the three beefed-up crooks are morons and idiots, but they don’t, and that’s what makes it work. Even the most absurd and ridiculous stuff like The Rock grilling severed hands works because of the tone of the movie.

I dunno what happened to give Michael Bay a sense of irony about his work, but it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to him. Hopefully this movie will do really good and he’ll stop doing big CGI movies. We’d all be better off.

This is a way better movie than I thought it was going to be. I’d recommend seeing it.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar errors but left everything else in.