There’s that perfect moment. You’re outside, enjoying the fresh air, wildlife, or homeless populace, and basking in complete relaxation, all thanks to nature and intermittent pulls from your flask, tallboy, or bag of wine.
For those with porches, yards, or top-floor suicide terraces, getting outside to drink is simple. Yet, for those still residing in dorms or economy apartments it becomes a bit more complicated. This latter, deprived, demographic has to find their own version of nature, be it in a public park, dorm quad, or Native American burial ground.
This shut-in group knows hardship, but the resourceful will still methodically find ways to indulge. With liberty coursing through their veins, they’ll follow these tactics, conquer suitable drinking land, and scoff at the un-American spirit harbored in public intoxication laws.
Location—You want a spot off the main stretch. But don’t make it so far off that’s it’s obvious you’re trying to hide something, like you’re that blatantly suspicious posse of suburban middle-school boys crouched in the back tree line getting high. Don’t over think it. Just like everyone else, you’re here to enjoy the park, but unlike everyone else you’re sipping on some tasty, mood-enhancing fun. There’s no need to draw attention to yourself. So, if you feel paranoid and have an urge to hide in a tube slide or pretend you’re babysitting children who don’t know you, abstain. Take a sip and a step back, realize how weird and awful that idea is, and understand that law enforcement officers are obviously going to question any adult attempting to hang out with random children.
Misdirection—Generally, the rule of thumb is that if the person looks like a dirty alcoholic degenerate then they’re almost always a dirty alcoholic degenerate. Hence, disguise your booze and your drinking apparatus. Load up that empty Aquafina bottle with vodka tonics. Fill that Orange Gatorade bottle up with Four Loko. And transfer that satchel of Franzia into one of those giant, colored water bottles. It doesn’t hurt to dress the part either. Wear something that says, “I’m far too wealthy and important to break any petty drinking ordinances.” Who are the park officials going to bother, the filthy hobo rambling about the government and reeking of gin, or the mild-mannered individual wearing a tucked-in collared shirt who’s merely enjoying his Powerade? Abide by this thinking and from a distance you’ll just look like an affluent individual trying to get tan, instead of the functional alcoholic who’s too drunk to stand up.
Confidence—That magical ingredient that instantly let you get away with things. Purvey it and the world is yours. Lack it and suddenly no one likes your jokes, girls start finding your flirt game desperately creepy, and you crumble into a puddle of anxiety and self-loathing. So hedonistically indulge in your swill and, if you feel like you’re about to barf in a sandbox or on a child, assertively advise your stomach otherwise. People love confidence; the affable, self-assured drunk doesn’t get in trouble for park drinking—he gets a ride home, a chuckle, and a phone number.
Godspeed, my intoxicated public. If it’s too easy, you’re either doing everything right or you’re at an inner-city park infested with heroin addicts.
Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.