10 of the most important moments in every guy’s life

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A man’s life isn’t a complicated affair. He arrives…and then he tries not to completely screw it up with a mixture of booze, tainted tang and shitty business ventures. The following are the 10 most important things that happen to him along the way.

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10 He gets in a fight…and loses

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Getting the shit kicked out of you is a whole lot more valuable than pummeling some guy that’s absolutely asking for it. There will be plenty of triumphs along the way, but it’s that first taste of your own blood at the hands of someone else that prepares you for a whole lot of bitterness down the road.

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9 He gets his first car…and discovers there’s another base besides first

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As adults we look at driving and cars as shit boxes that deliver us from home to work, with an occasional stop at a gas station where we have to spend our hard-working cash on a fluid that doesn’t require a tummy clean-up with some Kleenex. But at sixteen, that car just means your chances of actually seeing a female nipple have grown exponentially greater.

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8 He meets a girl…and promptly puts gum in her hair

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The time as a male when you’re not constantly obsessed with girls is a precious one. Your thoughts are focused on an array of interests as you begin to discover who you are. As thoughts about girls begin to seep in, all semblances of outside of the box thinking become fixated solely on the “box.”

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7 He gets his heartbroken…and vows to never do that to another person

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The first time a guy gets absolutely crushed by another person should be a moment that is recorded for future viewings. Guys are dicks by inheritance, but would probably be a lot more sensitive if they had a visual reminder that being a shitty person comes at another person’s expense. It would also be tremendous to be able to get your hands on your best friend’s heartbroken moment and play it at his bachelor party.

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6 He gets married…and realizes he’s got one vagina for the rest of his life

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We’re pre-disposed into thinking that we’re supposed to get married. It comes with your late 20’s like college graduation comes with your early ones. If divorce wasn’t an option, I’m sure a lot more people would take into consideration that Janine’s honey pot and Jake’s 5-incher was the only sexual organ you were going to get for the rest of your life. That ladies and gentlemen, is true love.

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5 He moves out of mom and dad’s house…and survives on Top Ramen

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For most people, living with your parents is like staying at a hotel for 18 years and then ducking out on the bill. You’ve left mom and dad to foot a bill that has included luxurious meals, soiled and shitty clothing, and a per diem suitable for working at an upstart company. Once you set out into the real world, you realize that you’ve left behind the sweetest deal ever so that you can attend an overpriced liberal arts college where the girls may or may not have sex with you in a papasan chair.

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4 He lands his dream job…and realizes that even that job sucks

According to the US Department of Labor, the average American spends 1,896 hours working every year. Once you realize that work is simply an ends to a mean, and that even a job like being the nipple tweaker at Playboy comes with its share of terrible bosses who treat you like shit, the happier you’ll be. If work was fun, then they’d call it ejaculation.

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3 He loses his virginity…in a world record time of 46 seconds

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Without getting too graphic, this is what a guy’s first stab at sex is like: a blind man suddenly seeing the sun for the first time, and then quickly looking away after realizing its power. Only that quick jerk of the head refers to a completely different part of the body when it comes to virginities lost.

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2 He has a child…and can’t fully comprehend it and what he’s going to do

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It has been said that a woman takes on maternal sensations as soon as she’s told that she’s pregnant, and that a man can’t truly wrap his head around it until that little pup pops out. Having a child reverts every guy back to middle school where they took shop class, but instead of hammering and pounding pieces of wood into a CD rack, he’s created his first and only masterpiece with no more than a couple back and forths.

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1 He locates his penis…and never loses sight of it ever again

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Rub a dub dub. There’s definitely more than a rubber ducky in that tub. Once he’s found his little trouser barnacle things will never be the same.

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(Previously published on November 8, 2011.)