“Yeah bro, let’s go to the strip club!” Actually, let’s not. Strip clubs are like third world countries: women are second class citizens and the normal currency is almost worthless (unless you are in a wealthy VIP area.) So why go at all? Easy access to live cam porn, hookers and real live women to go on dates with mean that a modern trip to your local titty establishment is a superfluous one, indeed. Here are some reasons to skip that trip to the strip.
8. You’re Going to Spend a Lot of $$$
$1 bills really add up when you consider that you’re also paying for shitty, under-boozed drinks. Plus, trying to “make it rain” with anything less than $50 looks kind of ridiculous.
7. You’re Going to Piss Someone Off
You’re either going to piss off your friends by acting a fool, your girlfriend for going in the first place, or a stripper for a myriad of reasons. These include, but are not limited to: creepy requests, under-tipping, or even tipping her like a jerk, e.g., stuffing a roll of quarters into her G-string.
6. Strippers Only Pretend to Like You
Just like the Hooters waitress who pretends she’s interested in more than your order and your money, strippers just want your money…and your soul. And don’t you ever forget that.
5. You Might Not Get the Hottest Strippers
A friend of mine has a story that isn’t worth mentioning in detail except for a few choice phrases, such as, “deflated breast implant,” “sportin’ a bush like Buckwheat’s ‘fro,” and “a thong stain shaped like Kuwait.” That friend may or may not be myself. (It isn’t.)
4. You Might Get Yourself in Over Your Head
I have heard more than one story of a guy who wanted to promote his stripper experience to whore status with a trip to the back room wherein he a) didn’t have enough money, b) couldn’t get it up because he was already wasted, c) had to escape.
3. You Will Probably Drive Home Drunk
I believe this is a post-requisite for any trip to the strip club. Obviously no one intends to do it, but shit, try to anticipate your dumb ass next time and maybe just stay home and scour the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist instead.
2. You Have Porn
The porn industry might tell you different, but I’m here to tell you that shit is free! And it can be accessed without having to leave your place. Sweet deal.
1. You Have a Girlfriend
First off, most guys have girlfriends who don’t want them to watch other women strip naked. And sure, that might be a reason to abstain. But other guys might have girlfriends who want to go with them. To which they might say, “Damn! Now how am I going to get the heej’n’beej special in the backroom!?” Or they may just begrudgingly allow her to come. And with your luck, if she comes she could have one too many cocktails and become part of the show. I guess what I’m trying to say is that girlfriends and strip clubs don’t mix.