Every time I hear a man say something like “women are confusing,” I think, “Uh, what the hell are you confused about? Pick up Cosmo, watch Sex in the City, and figure it out.” But maybe it’s time to do more to unveil some mystery about this specimen they call woman. Let’s start with some daily questions women have — that they commonly keep to themselves — that men definitely don’t.
Photo credit: Woman in mirror image by Shutterstock
10 What did that catcaller just say to me?
You don’t catcall, right? Oh of course you don’t. You’re awesome! But, should you be walking with a woman and she gets catcalled by another dude (can’t he see she’s with you, that dick?) how do you think she feels? Violated? Hot? Confused? Or the magical trifecta of all three?
“Confused” fits the best, for we wonder, 1) Does that have a noteworthy return rate? 2) Does that the men feel powerful and masculine? And 3) Wait…. What did he say and how should I react?
We’ve heard it’s best to ignore it. But when we get nice, harmless shout outs* such as, “You look beautiful today,” we think, “Oh, that’s actually very nice, thank you!”
“Come here baby and sit on my lap,” however, is very gross and makes us never want to have daughters. Or sons. Because boys can be gross.
*This happens MUCH more prevalently in urban areas because dense populations allow for many catcalls or differing varieties.
Photo credit: Construction workers image by Shutterstock
9 Is this $25 mascara really worth it?
Dammit, Kim Kardashian! You and your insane fake lashes aren’t doing women any favors. Neither is your Jasmine Barbie doll mannequin face, all perfectly made up when Giant Man Baby Kris Humphries walks in on you taking a bubble bath. Every woman deserves to try all her might to brush fingertips with the unachievable level of beauty touted by celebrities (or spokeswhores with sex tapes — sorry KK!) even if it means diminishing her bank account, physical energy, and self esteem in the process.
Photo credit: ℒaura Tourette’s, Flickr
8 Do I look hot in this outfit?
The other day #3wordswomenhate was trending on Twitter. Naturally, I check it out. And surprise! So many men are full of SUCH feminine insight: The feed’s flooded with, “You look fat.” What is this, a bad sitcom from ’94 where the husband’s like, “Derrr…. Uh….” as the way-too-hot for him wife spins around, looking in the mirror while asking how she looks as the camera pans across a bit of back fat squishing out of her top? (Do not ask what show that’s from, it’s called IMAGINATION!)
Women come in all shapes in sizes just like men come in all shapes and sizes that are not Brad Pitt, glistening and bloody and beating the shit out of Edward Norton. If a woman thinks she’s fat, she’s going to think she looks fat in everything. So asking, “How do I look?” does not mean, “Do I look fat?” circa a ’94 sitcom (or a 2010 Canadian sitcom). She’s asking, “Are you taking a mental snapshot of me to jerk off to later?”
Try to appease her a little more than just saying, “Yes,” though.
Photo credit: Woman in mirror image by Shutterstock
7 Do I look slutty in this outfit?
We think this especially on our way to work ‘cause we hear we have to try hard to get this thing called “respect,” which, unlike mascara, we apparently can’t purchase for $25 at Sephora.
Photo credit: Miss Leatherchrissy, Flickr
6 Is it socially appropriate to wear leggings?
If leggings were once “in” for guys, you’d be asking yourself the same exact thing right now.
Photo credit: ph.angel, Flickr
5 Does that woman HATE me?
Personal anecdote time! My boyfriend and I were at a party and this lady I went to college with was there. Long story short: She was being a wench, and honestly has been a wench since the second I met her, years ago. I really have no idea why. Still, as a person with a vagina, I’m all like, “Sisterhood!” and for some stupid reason try to be nice to her because everyone MUST LIKE ME.
Noticing this pathetic interaction and her general wench-iness, my boyfriend remarks, “That woman is not a good person. What’s the point of even talking to her?” And then I stuck my tongue down my boyfriend’s throat because he is so smart and handsome.
But seriously: girl-on-girl hate is this weird phenomenon that’s prominent and eerie. It’s why The Bachelor and Pretty Little Liars are both the most entertaining and gut-wrenching lady-shows on television. Sure, guys hate each other. But they somehow just accept it and try not to encounter the dude they hate. Women, however, become all heartbroken and insecure and maybe it’s from jealousy or competition. Either way it SUCKS and it’s not good for anyone. Yay, being a woman is FUN!
Photo credit: (/-)nniina Loves U, Flickr
4 Why doesn’t he love me?
Just kidding. Not sure the last time I heard that, other than on The Bachelor. Plus, when women really think this they’ll sure as hell ask you about it. Prep your answer sheet, my friend.
Photo credit: Man Alive!, Flickr
3 That man is sexy… is he gay?
Men may wonder if women are lesbians, but Jesus H. Christ, if a chick is totally smokin’ they’re suddenly in denial that a sexy woman can pass up a peen for some lady bits. (Girl-on-girl gay is real, boys!)
Photo credit: xlordashx, Flickr
2 Am I pregnant?
Yeah, there’s not much more to say here other than it’s FRIGHTENING as shit.
Photo credit: Daquella manera, Flickr
1 Why won’t Ryan Gosling realize we’re soul mates?
Eye roll! We’re all so sick of hearing about the Gos and how drop-dead-oh-god-I’m-wet-already-gorgeous he is, and all the “Hey Girl” tumblrs that won’t stop rolling out like your incoming student loan bills (someone make it stop!). Let’s just leave it at this: Whatever the hell that man is doing, gentlemen, figure it out, and most of the female population of the United States and Canada will want to give you a lap dance — for free.
If we knew Ryan’s — or Ry-Ry, as I like to call him — secret, we’d totally tell you. (LIES, we’d patent that shit and make millions.) Just spend a stoned Sunday scrolling through his new OnDemand channel and perhaps you’ll discover the hidden treasure of the Gos.
Photo credit: Ryan Gosling image by Jaguar PS/Shutterstock
(Previously published on February 16, 2012.)