No Suspects Yet In $70,000 Heist Of Bull Semen, So Be On The Lookout For Black Market Love Sauce

News broke yesterday of a $300 million jewelry heist in Britain last weekend, but it turns out that wasn’t even close to being the most exciting heist that took place over the Easter holiday. Thieves in southern Minnesota made off $70,000 worth of prized bull semen, making this the biggest bull splooge heist of 2015, and the most outrageous theft you’ll read about this week.

Sure, something like what happened last weekend in the UK where thieves made off with $300 MILLION in jewels from highly secured vaults in Britain is exciting news. That’s something straight out of the ‘Oceans 11’ movie series. But you know what? I saw the movies, and I’m sure it’s not nearly as exciting in real life. You know what is exciting though? Thieves sneaking into a bard and stealing $70,000 worth of bull semen, and escaping without leaving police any leads whatsoever.

The AP reports:

Police are investigating the theft of about $70,000 worth of bull semen from a farm in southern Minnesota.

Mower County Sheriff Terese Amazi says a LeRoy man reported Tuesday that a storage canister with vials of bull semen was taken from his unlocked barn.

The theft happened sometime between April 1 and 7. The man said the only time he and his hired hand were away from the farm was on Easter Sunday.

The Austin Daily Herald reports the canister was worth about $500, and the vials of semen were worth from $300 to $1,500 apiece.

So the canister itself was worth $500, and the vials were worth somewhere between $300 to $1,500 each. Let’s do the math, shall we?

At a total loss valuation of $70,000 and a canister to store bull sperm costing $500, we’re already at $69,500. The vials of bull spunk ranged between $300 to $1,500 in value, putting the average value (that we know of) at $900. So that’s ~77.22 vials of bull semen stolen, at an average valuation of $900.

But what if the bull semen was top shelf? And all but one of the vials were valued at $1,500’s worth of bull splooge? In that case we take the $69,500, subtract one vial valued at $300 (bottom shelf bull sperm), and we’re left with roughly 46 vials of PREMIUM bull sperm, each valued at $1,500 each.

There’s also the flip side of that, where there could’ve only been one top shelf vial of bull sperm valued at $1,500 and the rest were the $300 varietal. In that case we’d have 226 vials of bull sperm, one valued at $1,500 and 225 valued at $300.

So as you can see, there are quite a few scenarios here, and without more detail we really have no idea of knowing how much illegal bull sperm is about to flood the black market. But one thing’s for sure: if you’re in the market for some bull semen, the black market just got hit with $70,000 of undocumented bull spunk.

And if you’ve read this far, chances are you’re into reading about some pretty weird shit. So I think you should DEFINITELY check out this story from a few months back about the ‘Ron Jeremy of the Animal Kingdom‘, the bull who sired over 500,000 offspring. Here’s just a taste of what you can expect in the greatest obituary ever written about bulls:

[Kare 11]

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