My Slam Is AWFUL In Bed, How Do I Tell Her Without Destroying Her Life?

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 Q: My current slam is sheltered… I guess, and she’s lame in bed. My biggest complaint is how she moans. How do I bring this up without destroying her life?

A: My, what an enthusiastic gentleman you are! And what a tough life you lead! Current “slam” not meeting your requirements? I think it’s time for a new one.

If we were talking about girlfriends here it might be a different story, given that you’d potentially be stuck with her in the long-term. But as far as random hookups go, don’t shatter this poor girl’s life just because she doesn’t moan to your liking. Give me a break dude. Clearly you’re in it for the looks, but if no other redeeming qualities accompany that, then drop it. I have no other comments to add here. Moving on.

Q: My girlfriend and I have been going out for a couple months; we’re both sophomores in college and virgins. I recently talked to her about upping our intimacy and she asked me to wait, which I’m cool with. But how long is too long?

A: Well it wouldn’t be a week without some virginity-related problems, now would it? As defined by both Mirriam and Webster, a “sophomoric” individual is “overconfident of knowledge but poorly informed and immature.”

That’s you, buddy. You’re poorly informed. You’re immature. It hurts, I know. Don’t blame yourself though, you’re dating an untouched, 100% (?) pure virgin for God’s sake. “Waiting” is an okay thing in high school, but after a point — which is to say, college– you’ve gotta ask yourself if it’s worth it. Is it worth hanging out with this girl a while longer without getting laid? I dunno. Maybe for you it is.

Which leads me to “How long is too long?” Too long is what you’ll feel when you have a throbbing and seemingly incurable case of blue balls. I, of course, don’t know from first hand experience what that feels like, but I’m inclined to assume it’s the fucking worst, and that one should avoid it at all costs. Don’t do that to yourself. College is supposed to be fun and sex-filled so if you feel like you’re missing out, jump on in. The water’s fine.

 Q: I’ve been dating this girl for a little over a year now and I really like her. The only thing is that she has a habit of losing her shit quite often over the slightest thing, or over stuff she thinks up in her head about how I would act in a certain situation. For example, “If an ex gf contacted you, I bet you wouldn’t tell me.” She comes from a family of 7 sisters where drama is constant, whereas I, on the other hand, am really chill and don’t give a shit about anything. Is she nuts or am I? Am I doomed?

A: Are you nuts? Nah. Is she? Quite possibly. Are you doomed? Maybe. Sounds like your girl has a classic case of the sister-induced paranoid crazies. She’s probably not the best match for someone like you, who proclaims himself to be chill and give zero shits. Drop this chick, and move on to the next.

Unless of course you like to entertain the possibility of waking up with a hyper-obsessive and probably pregnant woman on your arms. God knows no one wants that on their hands. Keep your life as intended, aka superchill.

Q: Hey babe. I had a one night stand with this chick not to long ago, my first latina (so proud). However, I wasn’t too happy with my performance. I was a little too drunk, didn’t come, and I didn’t get full power out of my buddy downstairs if you catch my drift. Is a second chance out of the question? If not, how do I get another shot? When she texts me she seems a little “bored”.. Help.

A: Consider the drift officially caught.

I respect a guy who can step back, acknowledge that he’s done better, and strive only for superior performances going forward. These are the makings of great men…and lots of orgasms. Which incidentally, is that shit I DO like. Most sane women do. So keep up the hard focus and daily practice.

As for this isolated incident where you lost your Latina virginity, yeah, she’s probably bored. Those chicks are pretty fucking freaky (from what I hear), so I don’t want to get your hopes up that she’ll come crawling back to a mediocre lay. To ensure she does, you’ll probably have to be a little more forward than your average text. I’m talking no bullshit, no bashfulness– “I don’t know what happened last night, but I’d love if you’d give me another shot at rocking your fucking world–cuz I know I can do it.” Boom. Who could say no to that? If she does, she’s probably already moved on to some other less white guy…but I feel like you’ve got a solid shot.

Q: Long time reader, first time writer (I know it’s cheesy, don’t hate). Anyhow, I’ve been friendzoned by this girl who I really like. We’ve made out but never had sex. Right now it’s summer vacation and she called me tonight to talk. Throughout the conversation she referred to me as her “best guy friend” but also repeatedly told me she loves me. Then at the end of the call she says goodbye and tells me she loves me again. I respond like I always do, “Yep. Bye,” and before I can hang up she tells me she wants to hear me say it (I didn’t know what to do so I said it). Basically I’m confused as fuck because she calls me her friend but then wants to hear me tell her I love her? I guess the question is: What do I do/what is going through her head?

A: My quick response  to your question is, FRIENDZONE, FRIENDZONE, MOTHAFUCKIN FRIENDZONE.

She’s trying to secure you as a stable and reliable male figure in her life by throwing around a bunch of “best” and “love,” but don’t be fooled. She wants nothing to do with you beyond a purely friendly standpoint, and pretty much just fucking with you.

Don’t let her bitchslap you around into falling in love with her and humiliating yourself over the phone. That’s just bad for business. If you like her as much as you say you do, either make a move or cut off the bullshit completely. You know as well as I do that after she hangs up on your nauseatingly friendzone-ish gushy phone call she’s sending selfies and sexts to one or more guys.

Find a new crush. And let your “BFF” find out about it. Maybe then she’ll reconsider her ability to keep you around on the waiver wire.

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