Attahporn Boonmakchuay, a name that will hereby be shortened to “Attie” because there is no way I’m going to spell “Attahporn” correctly more than twice, was reportedly squatting over a toilet in his Thailand home when he felt a sharp bite on his dick. Alarmed, he grabbed down below and came up with a python, a MOTHERFUCKING PYTHON. Let’s stop here for a moment and appreciate what is going on right now, because I don’t think you do:
- It’s not just a snake in this guy’s toilet
- It’s a python
- A fucking python
- Do you know how big pythons are?
- No? Okay well they’re fucking massive
- This one was FOUR METERS LONG
- FOUR METERS!!
- A FOUR METER-LONG python slithered THROUGH this guy’s plumbing and ATE HIS DICK.
- Da fuq
Now that you have an adequate appreciation for the absurdity of what my main man Attie had to deal with, let’s find out how he escaped:
The pair were thrashing around the tiny toilet – leaving blood splattered across the floors and walls but just as he feared he could lose his penis, Atthaporn hatched an ingenious plan to remove the snake with seconds to spare.
He called out for a rope and just before passing out managed to grab the four-metre serpent’s head and tie it to the bathroom door.(via)
Metro reports that fire crews used hammers to smash the toilet and pull the still-alive python out from its hiding spot. And while Attie suffered “huge blood loss” and eventually collapsed from his battle with the snake, he is now in stable condition in a hospital in Thailand.