Sex is not for the weak-minded. There isn’t a person reading this who hasn’t engaged in a spontaneous battle between his mind and his cock ‘n balls during a sexual encounter. If you’re like me, you’ve blown out the birthday candles before she finished singing happy birthday one too many times.
Biologists have concluded that rapid ejaculation has evolved into men’s genetic makeup to increase their chances of passing their genes. So when you’re jizzing early that subconsciously means that you’re trying to get your girl pregnant. If that doesn’t send your jizz running in the other direction, then you cannot be saved bruh.
The key to combat that pesky premature ejaculation problem is to think about something completely asexual, even gross, but not gross enough for you to lose your hard on. In the past, I’ve thought about a flannel shirt because a.) I have very little desire to fuck a flannel and b.) I told myself I’d never again think about that time I saw my dad’s dick. The dude hasn’t trimmed his pubes since Vietnam. Those things were more tangled that iPhone headphones after being put in a blender. Good lord.
The folks over at VICE polled a group of bros from all over the world to ask what they think about to fend off the surging baby batter.
Here’s what they had to say:
“I like to imagine what capitalism would be like if it was a person and how much it would hurt if it actually stepped on my balls, rather than just figuratively speaking.”
“I think of a shitting dog’s face. You know that stupid face dogs have when they’re shitting? Like they’re scared to death because they’re pooping and can’t run away if there’s any danger afoot.”
“I was never any good with numbers and maths in school, so I try to do some calculations during sex. For example, I will take two big numbers like 17 and 54 and try to multiply them. That’s hard to do for me so the trick usually works – but the strange thing is that now when I have to do some simple maths I sometimes get a bit of a boner.”
“It’s quite rare, but I think of my great-grandmother. She was bedridden for two years before she passed away, so you can imagine in what awful states I’ve seen her.”
“I always have the same trick: I deeply concentrate on a particular element of my surroundings. I’ll study the patterns on the bedsheets, look intensely at a crack in a wall or just focus on the bed’s frame. It’s had a 100 percent success rate so far with me.”
“I generally think of metaphysical stuff – things like Death and Void. The futility of existing – the futility of it all, really. Is there a life after death? Sometimes I think of a lizard lying on a road, completely ripped open. Which would mean the lizard is dead – so basically everything that revolves around the idea of death works for me. It’s a bit sad that you’re forced to think about something like that in those sweet moments of joy.”
“I usually think of something that’s a shock to the system – like being hit by a car or punched in the face or something. And every now and then, when I’m really desperate, I think of the Queen in a bikini.”
“I usually think about something I find really disgusting. I once saw my dad take a dump. That image generally works.”
What about you bros? You have any go-to tactics? Asking for a friend…