Dear Santa,
Lets get one thing straight: The only thing I’ve ever asked of a white man is to check his privilege. I’m an INDEPENDENT WOMAN and I don’t need you, and hell, I don’t even like you. Quick question for ya, pal, where’s Mrs. Claus? Let me guess, home baking your fat ass cookies and folding your Santa suits and making 70 cents to your dollar while you fly around the world breaking into houses and being a glory hound, only for you to come home and call her a “Ho Ho Ho” until you shame her into giving you a blowjob. Typical white male. Nauseating.
And just out of curiosity, “Santa,” what’s the 411 on your indentured servants aka reindeer? “Dasher, Cupid, Vixen…”–I’ve never met anyone in my upper-middle class bubble with those names so they must be foreigners. Or Strippers. Or foreign strippers. So you must get them for pennies on the dollar. I just contacted my friends at PETA and you should be expecting a strongly-worded email in the time it takes me to burn a Tucker Max book.
With that said, I still want shit. If I don’t get everything I ask for, I will get naked on TV again for a head-scratching reason that doesn’t advance the plot and generally makes everyone uncomfortable.
LENA’S CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY LIST
1.) A mold of Odell Beckham Jr.’s penis
2.) The extinction of white males. Except my daddy. He still pays my phone bill.
3.) A hamburger for every starving person in the Congo, along with a signed DVD of season 3 of Girls for everyone in their village or mud hut community or whatever.
4.) A DVD player for every starving person in the Congo.
5.) A small lock of Meryl Streep’s hair
6.) A rubber ducky to enhance the next bubble bath with my sister.
7.) One black friend.
8.) A megaphone so I can properly picket the Super Bowl
9.) A fetus to terminate so I can fit in with my “‘bOrTiOn BaBeS”
10.) A bikini from Baby Gap
11.) A gift card to Super Cuts so I can finally cop myself a “May I Speak to the Manager” cut
12.) Three (3) fresh, new social injustice issues I can get trending on Twitter
13.) A 2016 Presidential election recount
14.) See #9
15.) Judd Apatow to lift the restraining order
Give me all of this shit or I will castrate a stranger.
-Lena Dunham