What was supposed to be a hot and sexy Fifty Shades of Grey experience contorted into a hellish Fifty Shades of What The Fuck Were You Thinking?
This happened this past Thanksgiving weekend.
Backstory: I’ve been helping my GF move apartments this past week. We found a pair of handcuffs in her closet (a gag gift from her best friend), which I silently decided to keep for a rainy day.
12AM: Fast-forward to this past Saturday night, my girlfriend and I were headed to bed, one thing lead to another, and our clothes came off. Using my noggin to think creatively, I decided to bust out the handcuffs – nothing crazy or anything – but long story short my girlfriend’s hands were chained to the bed post above her head while I went about my business (which actually went very well for the both of us, thank you for asking!).
Well that sounds sublime.
Finishing up, it came time to remove the handcuffs… which is exactly when I realized that these weren’t exactly toy handcuffs (there was no quick-release button usually reserved for the toy variety, and they appeared to be made out of hardened metal), and that in my infinite wisdom, I had taken them without actually having the key to them.
Well that sounds regrettable. This is something you should probably check BEFORE you put the handcuffs on, but when you’re overwhelmed with lust and all of the blood is in your small head, it is completely understandable.
1AM: Commence about 2 full hours of me apologizing profusely to my GF, looking up “pick your handcuffs with a bobby pin” videos on youtube which surprisingly were of no help at all for some reason, and trying to sever the links and finally the cuffs themselves with metal cutters, to absolutely NO avail, I realized that I had myself in somewhat of a pickle.
Throughout all of this, my girlfriend, bless her heart, was in surprisingly good spirits about the whole thing, despite her hands being chained to the post above her head, which was very uncomfortable, and lacking somewhat in the clothing department.
This is quickly morphing into a Snickers commercial, “Not going anywhere for a while because your bonehead boyfriend handcuffed you to the bed without having keys? Grab a Snickers!”
3AM: Having exhausted all at-home options and not wanting to call a specialist, I decided to break out my small handheld rotary dremel, with a spinning bit meant for cutting through tiny bits of metal. Long story short, after convincing my girlfriend that I would be safe about the whole thing and that she should remain still (I gave her safety goggles, and covered her hands with cloth), I was able to cut through the links that hold the handcuffs together, but not through the cuffs themselves. FREEDOM FROM THE BEDPOST AT LAST!
This isn’t what your girlfriend meant when she said she “wanted to be drilled tonight.”
4AM: At this point we decided to get my GF dressed, and call a 24-hour locksmith. The cuffs around her wrists weren’t an emergency, but by no means comfortable for her, and I was feeling really bad for her at this point. Locksmith didn’t show (despite repeated calls), and we ended up falling asleep for the night, handcuffs and all.
I’m sure that was a pleasant slumber for your chick with cold, metal handcuffs locked around her wrists.
10AM: Got dressed and headed for the nearest sex shop, to buy another pair of handcuffs, complete with key (from pictures online, the key seems pretty universal). Girlfriend decided to come with me since she was up by this point and wanted to come along for the ride. Of course the sex stores near us were closed on Sun, so we had to head a bit farther for some luck.
11AM: Sex shop had plenty of handcuffs – though none with our exact brand. Apparently the ones on my GF were very old and from a company that was no longer in business… great. We bought the set with the closest-looking key, and tried it in the car. NO LUCK. Apparently while most handcuff keys look the same, the specific sizing varies by brand.
12PM: Found 2 more sex shops, still no luck (yes we did a lot of driving). Decided at this point to call more locksmiths, although this was a slightly more embarrassing prospect for my GF… no luck here as they were either 1) somewhat hesitant about the situation (potential ex-con or jailbreak), 2) thought it was a prank, or 3) had some unprofessional response like “what’ve you been foolin around??” in a rude way which made us uncomfortable.
“Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Sunday, we’re going to go to every sex shop in a 100-mile radius. Yeah, buy some handcuffs where the keys don’t work, stuff like that. Maybe a locksmith, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time!”
1PM: Decided screw it, we’re going to the police / fire station. This was by far the most embarrassing prospect for my GF, but with all of our options exhausted, we didn’t want to go to the hospital, and I figured the police might have a matching key, or the fire station could cut them off.
There is no excuse to make this not sound like you are both kinky freaks. The only alternative is to say that you’re holding her captive in your sound-proof basement prison which really isn’t an option.
2PM: The people at the fire station were very professional, and had a matching key. My girlfriend came into the station after I gave her the OK, and they took them off. I guess the handcuffs we used were somehow police/criminal-grade, and their key worked perfectly with them. I asked the helpful fireman, an older gentleman, if he had seen this predicament before – he said no, gave us a genial smile, and didn’t ask us any questions that would make an already-awkward situation even more awkward. I was somewhat surprised that they didn’t run our information, but I guess my girlfriend didn’t look like the felon type. Very very nice people overall.
Your tax dollars hard at work.
3PM: Took my girlfriend out to Sunday brunch. It’s the least she deserved after being imprisoned by her BF on a sunny Thanksgiving weekend. The end!
Was it a boozy brunch? If it was a boozy brunch I’d be willing to go through the whole handcuff ordeal to be treated to a boozy brunch.
TL;DR: handcuffed my girlfriend to the bed. firefighters had to save her.
EDIT: The comments got me researching the handcuffs a bit more, and i realized that they have a built-in double-lock mechanism. here is a picture of the double lock on my set (the holes on the side along the black part are the double locking mechanism). I am thinking this could possibly explain why i had so much trouble picking the lock using the bobby pin approach, given that my first course of action was incidentally to engage the double lock using a pin, thinking it would be some sort of quick-release mechanism (similar to the ‘reset’ button on your modem). Oh well, the stupidity continues. Tried the shim technique on the broken cuffs today – it worked very well! Wish I had known about it earlier.
PS Looked closer at the engraving on the cuffs. It says “American Handcuff Co., Fond De Lac, Wis”. A quick google search tells me the company might still be in business, although their actual website isn’t working.
Girlfriend is in good condition and we had a good laugh about it all.
Thank you for reading yall!
Several redditors suggested that all he needed was bolt cutters, thanks but where was this suggestion a day ago? While others said to just use a screwdriver and bobby pin because that’s what works in Fallout.
Another commenter, who said he was a police officer, told the couple to not sweat it because it happens fairly regularly and he has seen this sort of plight about a half-dozen times or so.
Next time you want to be sexually adventurous with some BDSM play please use some good ole fashioned rope.
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