I’ve always been flabber-gas-ted by woman’s ability to hold in bodily functions. It’s absolutely mind-boggling to me. Because when I fart, it’s not because I’m being rude or trying to be funny, it’s because I don’t have a choice. My farts don’t knock, they kick the fucking door in. Not kidding. The muscles in my butthole are about as proficient as stopping a fart as a mall cop is at stopping a shifty shop lifter. So, needless to say, in every relationship I’ve been in the fart seal has been broken before we receive the check on our first dinner date.
But women, man. How do they do it? Honestly, how? I’ve been in a couple long-term relationships and I’ve heard a grand total of one fart. Actually, it wasn’t even a fart, it was cuter. It was a toot. I don’t know if it’s discipline or evolution or if they fart on such a high frequency, only the dog hears it. I don’t know. I just know that I’ve farted twice in this paragraph alone and my ex-girlfriend probably hasn’t farted since jean shorts were cool.
The video below has shed some light on how precise and measured girls farts are when in a relationship. I call them ‘stealth stinkers.’
This is all too familiar…