It’s all too easy to make a complete ass of yourself on a first date. After all, you’re basically meeting a complete stranger, a stranger you may or may not want to bone, and in that environment, you’re basically playing Russian Roulette. Spin that chamber wrong just one time and you’re dead, confined to an afterlife of masturbation and regret. So, in order to make things easier for you, here are nine things you absolutely do not want to say on a first date.
Great look, bro. Nothing says romance like telling a girl to pay for her own date. Sure, you can try to spin it as some perverse form of feminism, a sad “I respect you too much to pay for you” sort of deal, but she’ll see right through that shit. At best, you’re telling her that you’re either broke as hell or a gigantic tightwad, and at worst, you’re basically telling her that she’s not worth the cost of dinner. Unless you picked up your date on a street corner, it’s probably not a good idea to make cost analysis a feature of your evening.
“You’re Not My Usual Type.”
I know you mean it like a compliment. She’s so great that she transcends what you usually look for, blah, blah, blah. But she probably won’t take it that way. I mean, even if she does take it the right way, that’s still vaguely insulting, isn’t it? Basically, you’re telling her that she’s not what you would consider attractive. That’s not a good place to work from, man. Sure, there’s probably some sociopath pick-up artist out there who would tell you that this is what you want to do – break her down and then build her up from there, but don’t be that guy, okay? That guy is a dick, and chances are that’s what your date will think you are too.
“So, tell me about yourself.”
Say this, and you immediately turn the date into a job interview. Hot! Okay, fine, on some level, that’s essentially what a first date is, but don’t be so goddamn obvious. This just puts the other person on the spot, and it makes the entire conversation feel artificial and awkward as hell. At least wait until you get to the sex before words like “awkward as hell” start getting tossed around. Just talk to her like a human being.
“Was that an old picture?”
Well done, bro. Sure, she might not look exactly like her profile picture on Tinder, but let’s face it, neither do you. So don’t be that jackass who immediately makes her feel like she’s not as attractive as you hoped she would be. I’m not going to be that guy who wags his finger at you and tells you some bullshit about the outside not mattering and the inside being the only thing that counts, but there is a line, man. You still have to observe basic decency. Besides, as Benjamin Franklin once wrote to a friend, all cats are gray in the dark.
“For a boy’s name, I was thinking…”
Save the family planning shit for waaaaay down the line, bro. Like, if possible, try to put that conversation off until several years after you get married. This will just terrify any normal person. Nobody wants to confront that level of commitment on a first date. This is the sort of thing a person who pokes holes in the condoms says, and that is a horror movie none of you need to live.
Stop right there! You poor, dumb son of a bitch. Nobody wants to hear about your ex, especially the person you’re trying to make your future ex. Okay, fine, that might be a little cynical, but that’s exactly what you’re making her think of when you blurt this dumb shit out. It just reminds her that you’re probably bad at relationships and that there is some poor lady out there somewhere who had enough of your bullshit. At best, it will make her feel sorry for you, and while you may be able to finagle some pity sex out of the deal, it won’t be good, and the last thing you want is anyone associating pity with your penis. You have enough of that in your life as it is. Especially when you look in the mirror.
Those tumbleweeds that just blew by are the result of the arid desert climate that suddenly sprang up between her legs when you started gibbering about your mommy. This is a killer. It’s fine to talk about your family in general terms, but if you start obsessively focusing on your mom and how she’s your “best friend,” you’re just going to start conjuring up images of Norman Bates chilling in his mom’s Sunday best. No good can come of this.
“I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”
Then why the hell are you there? Yeah, yeah, I know. But you don’t have to be so obvious about it, bro. Unless you’re both there with the implicit understanding that this is a hookup kind of deal, then someone is going home feeling like you wasted her time. And if you do both understand that you’re there for the boning, then this is not something that ever needs to be said out loud, you know? It just makes you look defensive and weak, and is kind of insulting, like you don’t trust her to hold her shit together and just play the damn game like a grown woman. You’re probably not so irresistible that she’s just going to fall madly in love with you despite herself. Just a hunch.
“I love you.”
Awww, no. Bro. Come on.
Look, one of three things is going to happen here.
1. She runs for the door and you never see her again.
2. She awkwardly thanks you… and you never see her again.
3. She tells you she loves you back and then you are forced to confront the reality that you are now dating the sort of person who would tell you she loves you on the first date.
There are no winners in any of those scenarios. Either you go home empty handed (well, at least until you get inside and get your pants off…) or you find yourself in the sort of relationship that ends with someone boiling a pet rabbit. I mean, say anything else. Hell, tell her that you’re a serial killer. Tell her that you’re a fan of ventriloquist comedy. Ask her which Kardashian she thinks she is. Just don’t, under any circumstances, tell her that you love her.
Bad date image by Shutterstock