Chill Dude At Party Shoots Three People For Not Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ To His Girlfriend

The ‘Happy Birthday’ song sucks. It’s not catchy, it’s not hip, it’s a goddamn chore. Whenever it’s time to sing it, everybody meanders over to the cake like they’re going to the electric chair and tries to sing it soft enough so that their voice cannot be distinguished in the chorus of agitated, unenthusiastic voices. The last thing you want to be in this world is an ISIS militant. But the second to the thing is the overpowering ‘Happy Birthday’ voice. SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH, BILLY AND JUST GIVE ME MY GOODY BAG.

So that’s my stance on it. And if I were at this Minneapolis, Minnesota birthday party I’d probably either be in the hospital right now or six feet under.

Because 20-year-old Delonte Thomas was convicted on three counts of attempted murder and sentenced to 333 months, or 27 and 1/4 years in jail for opening fire on three people at his a birthday party for not singing ‘happy birthday’ to his girlfriend, according to the NY Daily News.

An interesting thing to note is that it WASN’T EVEN HIS GIRLFRIEND’S PARTY, her birthday just happened to be on the same day as the guest of honor’s. Taking your girlfriend to another birthday party on her birthday is a level of disrespect that I never thought possible before today.

The good news: the three people he shot all survived, despite shooting a woman NINE times. The other three victims each suffered EIGHT gunshot wounds each. Miraculously, they all underwent surgery and survived.

In an ironic court statement, Thomas called himself a “peacemaker” and claimed he had no recollection of the shooting.

“Everybody makes mistakes, and everybody deserves a second chance. I’m the peacemaker, I’m the one to try my best to make it through a situation. I don’t recall having a gun. I don’t recall shooting (anybody). I just hope to get some type of mercy here.”

As the old saying goes: If a man shoots three people in the woods but doesn’t recall it, did it really ever happen? Actually, I’m not sure that’s an actual saying. I’ll Google it.

Totally unrelated: Rebecca Martinson called me stupid in one of her posts today so all of my posts going forward will contain a slight on her.

Rebecca once gave a rimjob to Jared from Subway. Repulsive. But true.

[h/t NY Daily News]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.