El Chapo Has A Defective Dick And A Baby Balls, According To A Mexican Newspaper

El Chapo. More like El Ah-My-Dick-Doesn’t-Work-Someone-Help-O.

^ I’m still ironing that one out.

The notorious drug kingpin has admitted to Mexican officials that he’s killed two to three thousand people. The latest casualty at the right hand of Chapo is his own hog, according to a Mexican publication called Reforma

The newspaper reported that the king of the Sinaloa cartel received an implant in his testicles in hopes of curing his erectile dysfunction.

Death and Taxes translated the points of interest in the Reforma piece:

Between September and October last year, Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman underwent surgery in which doctors placed an implant in the testicles so he could get an erection, said sources close to the investigation into his capture. The implant improves blood circulation and is recommended to patients with erectile dysfunction, a disease that, according to the sources, the leader of the Sinaloa Cartel suffers.

Scars of the procedure carried out on Guzman Loera were detected by forensic doctors at Federal Criminal No. 1 Altiplano, when the drug dealer was admitted on January 8, after being captured in the city of Los Mochis. “I saw the scars on the back, hips and reproductive system,” the sources said.

El Chapo’s schlong trying to function:

P.S. Our own Matt Birl was so kind to give me his dick knowledge

Birl: That kind of implant isn’t all that uncommon for guys 60+. It’s literally a pump in your sack that you can pump your dick up with. My good friend’s a dick doctor. So yeah.
Me: Can he get me Viagra?
Birl: Do you need it?
Me: …Sometimes.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.