Pour One Out For Four Loko, Which Is Officially Ending Production

UPDATE: It ain’t going no the fuck where

I remember the first time I had a Four Loko. Not the kind currently produced, but the old one, cursing with caffeine and awash in alcohol. It was right after the inclusion of uppers was banned, and I went to a friend’s to taste his stash.

I downed the fruit punch drink, then couldn’t get off the couch. It felt like I’d smoked a joint and snorted some cocaine. Nothing like drinking regular alcohol. I sat there dazed, thinking I might be dying, for the better part of twenty minutes.

Then I had another.

Soon, I won’t ever be able to have even one. Four Loko, the oft-imitated, never-replicated drink, is ending production to avoid getting sued for numerous illegal practices (which we all knew they engaged in, but turned a blind eye to because delicious). From DNAInfo.com;

Under the agreement, Phusion Projects will cease the manufacture, sale and marketing of the drinks nationally,  Illinois Attorney General Lisa] Madigan said.

In a statement, the attorney general’s office said the deal resolves allegations that Phusion violated consumer protection and trade practice statutes by “promoting the drink to underage youth, promoting dangerous and excessive consumption of Four Loko and failing to disclose to consumers the effects and consequences of drinking alcoholic beverages combined with caffeine.”

Well… duh.

Don’t worry, though. This is capitalist America. Something new will soon come in its place.

[Image via Facebook]