How Do I Get A Girl Who’s ‘Out Of My League’? Should I Do Long-Distance In College With My Girlfriend, Or Break Up?

Congratulations kiddies, you all someone managed to ask relatively different questions from the usual “My girlfriend doesn’t love me, help?” Granted, I still got a lot of bullshit flooded into my inbox, but it was better than usual so hooray! Gold stars all around. So if you read through this and realize “Hey wait, I have a question that’s interesting and unique like the special little butterfly that I am!” feel free to click here to submit your own super-special-awesome questions.

Let’s roll up in the club and get shit crackin’.

Q: I seem to find myself to go for girls “out of my league”, typically the kind of girls that know they are the hottest girls on campus. I am just wondering for an average looking guy, how do I go about pulling these types of girls and getting through their “You’re not attractive enough for me” attitude?

A: To be completely honest you should just lower your standards and start pulling chicks that are appropriate for you, but CLEARLY that’s not the answer you’re looking for, so this is how I’d go about it. This isn’t a quick fix, mind you. You can’t just change the shirt you’re wearing and all of a sudden have hot girls pay attention to you; you’re going to have to play the long-term game here.

  1. Become friends with girls who have hot friends
    You’re going to have to befriend a couple of girls who have hot friends and get close enough with them that they’ll invite you out with their friends in a group setting. I dunno, find a Friend of a Hot Girl in your chem class who’s painfully stupid and help her study for an exam or something. That way if/when she mentions you to her hot friends, she’ll say positive things rather than “There’s this creepy guy in the back of my chem class who smells like feet.”
  2. Get invited out with them
    Congrats Josh, you successfully helped Friend of Hot Girl pass her chem exam with a whopping 68%. DREAM BIG, KIDS. Either way she’s insanely grateful that she’s only an idiot instead of a fucking idiot, so she invites you to get drinks with her and her friends…who happen to be hot. See where this is going? Hot chicks won’t hit on you one-on-one, but in a group environment it’s less “I’m trying to bang you” and more of a laidback setting. She’s surrounded by her friends who were the ones that invited you in the first place, which means that you’re OBVIOUSLY not there just to try and get laid right?
  3. Don’t be a fucking oddball
    You already have an “in” since you’re being included in the group of chicks now, but you can’t be a weirdo and creep on the hot girl(s) the entire night. If you do that, they’re all going to go home and shit on you about how you’re gross and that they’re never talking to you again, ever, and Friend of Hot Girl is just going to have to take one for the team and fail her chem class (again). Be a normal human, talk to everyone and don’t stick like glue to one person. Eventually the hot ones will loosen up because you’re not blatantly trying to bang them (which, sadly, you are), and then after that you can just…do whatever you do, I guess.

But like I said, there’s no “quick fix” for this so you should reeaaallyyyy just lower your standards.

Q: What do you make of a girl who will no longer respond to one of your texts but keeps viewing all your Snapchat stories?

A: Um, nothing? Because there’s nothing to make of it. Do you talk to every single person whose Snapchat stories you view? No, you just look at them because they’re sitting there and you need something to amuse yourself with while you waste time in the bathroom during class. She’s not looking at them because she’s pining away after you, she’s looking at them because her 8 a.m. orgo class is boring the shit out of her and she needs something to make the time to by quicker.

In other words, don’t read into it.

Q: I’ve been with my gf for a year at the end of this month and I’ve been thinking of breaking up with her because I’ve lost feelings for her and she isn’t fun. I cannot enjoy my last year of college with her always complaining. Should I wait to break up with her after our 1year or get it over with now? If so how?

A: Why the fuck would you wait until after your 1 year? I’m assuming the two of you are going to celebrate your 1 year like any other couple, which means you’re going to go out to some fancy-pants restaurant where she’ll order lobster since you’re the one paying and you’ll silently scour the menu for the cheapest option while you squeeze lemon into your water along with a packet of sugar so you can drink hobo lemonade without paying for it. Does that sound appealing to you? No? Then dump her and save yourself the $200.

As for how you should do it, don’t be a giant fuckstick and do it through text. You know who I picture when I think of a guy who would break up with someone via text message?

Yeah, and he wound up dead. But you know what would be funny? If you sent her a letter through the mail. Not email, but the kind of mail where a 50-year-old man making minimum wage drives around in a shitty little car and delivers letters to people. I don’t care if you write her a letter or if you buy one of those sissy Hallmark cards, but either way you have to give off the impression that it’s about to be something romantic…except when she opens it, it’ll say “This is me breaking up with you because you a basic boring bitch, kthxbiii.” Make sure you block her on Facebook and ignore all of her texts and calls so she gets the message loud and clear, in case she’s stupid and doesn’t understand the simple letter you sent her.

Or you could just be a normal fucking human being and do it in person.

Q: I’ve been going out with this girl for 7 months now and everything is amazing. The only down side is that I’m going to a different university in a month and don’t enjoy long distance relationships. Should I stick it out and see how it goes, or break up with her? The university is about 2 hours away from where she lives and she is down to come down here whenever possible, I just don’t know if I can stand not seeing her for a while and be ok with it.

A: That’s like saying “I don’t like not eating spaghetti every day, so I’m going to quit eating spaghetti for the rest of my life.” What sense does that make? There’s no harm in trying out the long distance thing, and if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. But being a crying vagina about “Boo hoo I miss her so we should break up” is not only irrational, but it sounds like you’re trying to rationalize wanting to dump her despite having a solid relationship. Is it because you’re about to be in college and wanna go stick your wiener into lots of random things? If you do it’s okay; that’s what everyone wants to do during freshman year anyway. Just don’t lie to yourself and pretend you’re being a “good guy” when your real reasoning is that you wanna go bang lots of random chicks.

But if you’re not lying to yourself and you really are on the fence about sticking with her, I say keep it going and see what happens.

Q: I’ve been seeing this girl for 3 years. She’s recently started pushing for commitment. I got 40k saved up. That could pay for a pretty kick as wedding. On the other hand, that could be the down payment on a beamer. You can’t drive commitment. My question to you is, 7 series or i8?

A: Spending your entire savings on a car that’s going to LOSE value as it ages is so unbelievably stupid that I would have to say go with the i8. That way your girlfriend realizes what a goddamn moron you are and breaks up with you, PLUS you’ll get to spend fuckloads of money on insurance that you can’t afford since you shat all your savings down the toilet.

I’m not being salty because you’re not proposing to your girlfriend. I really couldn’t care less about whether or not you throw a ring on her finger, it’s just that your question was so obscenely dumb that it gave me a headache and we’re out of ibuprofen in the office.

Q: Why doesn’t my girlfriend want to be “Facebook official”? My girlfriend says she likes her privacy. Is she telling the truth?

A: If she liked privacy she wouldn’t have a Facebook. She either:

  1.  Doesn’t like labels
  2. Wants to look like she’s single so guys still hit on her
  3. Is too dumb to figure out how to change her relationship status on Facebook and doesn’t want you to realize you’re dating a big silly dummy

Take your pick.

Q: I have a hard time approaching women out in broad day just walking around because some of them are just so gorgeous I have to stop and actually say “Damn son!” How can I approach them without it being creepy?

A: You can’t. Even that question and the way you phrased it was creepy as hell. Cat-calling on the street is annoying but at least we girls can ignore it, but some random man walking up to us and saying “DAMN you’re hot”? That’s a recipe to get maced in the face. Keep it in your pants and don’t be a weirdo.

Q: So me and a female friend of mine have been talking for 3 years now non-stop everyday and I’ve had feelings for her for a really long time. I’ve told her how I feel about her but she says nothing can happen between us because her parents wont allow it. She’ll be turning 18 soon so that’s when she can do as she pleases, right? So what should I do? Should I stop talking to her? Or keep being friends with her or wait and see what could happen in the near future?

A: Just because she’s turning 18 doesn’t mean she can do what she wants. Who’s feeding her? Clothing her? Keeping a roof over her head? If she’s going to school who’s paying the tuition? The obvious answer to all of those questions is that her parents are the ones shelling out the dough, which means that even though she’s technically an adult by law, she’s not an independent person, aka not a real adult. If she’d really wanted to date you she could’ve done it secretly behind her parents’ backs like every other normal rebellious teenager, but since nothing’s happened in 3 years she’s either unwilling to date you or too much of a pussy to tell you to fuck off politely. I say quit.

I don’t feel like coming up with anything to write down here at the bottom, so I’ll just remind you to submit questions for me to answer here and leave you with a random gif:


[Header image via Shutterstock]