What Do You Do When Your Girlfriend is Terrible in Bed? Plus the Perils of Sleeping with an Ex


Q: Hey Babe, technical question here. Wouldn’t it be better if we could Like/Dislike specific advice you give? I see the bro/not bro flip cups at the top of the page, but what if I felt that you really kicked ass in one of your responses, wouldn’t you want to know that you kicked ass on that response?

Trying to show the love.

A: I like where your heads at, bro. And even though I can’t say I’d be that into people shitting on my eloquent waxes and podium rants, positive feedback is always encouraged—so yeah, I’d take some bread buttering.

Who knows; I might even be receptive to some (very fucking) constructive criticism (with a compliment attached to the end). Although system-wise we’re working with Microsoft ’94  around here, so I’m not sure how realistic question-level input is at this point. Maybe I’ll picket for it. Although I probably won’t.

So if you feel like showing the love, feel free to send love notes, cashiers checks or tasteful nudies to SexiigurlAngel69@hotmail.com.

If I don’t respond, it’s probably because… my inbox is super full.

Q: Hey Babe,

I’m known for being a really nice guy and it’s the way I like to live my life. I try to be kind and courteous to everyone. Please, thank yous, opening doors, community service, random acts of kindness here and there. Recently I ran into the issue when one of my friends took that general kindness as a signal that I had some feelings for her which I didn’t. It dawned on me that being nice to everyone means that could send the wrong signals, which I know having your feelings not returned sucks. My question is, is there a middle point to being just a generally nice person without sending wrong signals? I’d like to be who I am still, but not send out the wrong signals as I know how it feels to get friendzoned all too often (hopefully that will change sooner or later). Your thoughts are appreciated and thanks in advance.

A: I dig your vibes, kind breau. I’m a big believer in karma, getting back what you put in, circles of trust and all that good shit so frankly, I want to tell you to keep doin’ what you’re doing.

Instructing you to discard your sense of manners and thoughtful behavior would be poor use of my babe-thority, so I’m not gonna go there.

I will tell you however, that you’re right in thinking you may be giving off the wrong impression. So watch for warning signals in the reactions to your kindness. Not all girls are used to dudes who treat them with absolute respect, so when they experience even a shred of it from a gentleman such as yourself, instant attraction is a very real threat. Which of course, doesn’t have to be all bad. But if you notice the girl you’d officially ruled out as a potential hookup gazing doe-eyed at you while you (instinctively) hold the door for her… run for the escape exit. Your only other option is to become… mean? I don’t know. This feels like a lose/lose here. I’d ultimately advise you to just keep doing you.

Q: I’ve been dating this girl for a little less than a year now, and she is amazing—attractive, smart, great personality, very low maintenance. The only problem: she is terrible in the bedroom. BJs, HJs, both bad. And sex is missionary 100% of the time… which is getting a little boring. My question is, how do I bring this up with her without hurting her feelings (i.e. saying ‘you’re terrible a bjs’)?

A: Allow me to counter your question with another: why are you recieving HJ’s? Or referring to sexual terms with abbrevs in general? I think we have some deeper issues here that don’t only lead back to the “boring” girlfriend in question.

Not to blow your mind over here, but have you ever considered that the sexual boredom onus may actually be on you? As they say, it takes two to tango. It also takes two to have consistently boring sex. Have you tried throwing her up against a wall and ravaging her like a starving animal? Guess what? That’s on you.

If you really want to say to your girlfriend, “you’re bad at HJ’s”, then you’re in seventh grade. Which is fine, except for the fact that I feel like a pedophile, but more importantly—if you can’t use the real terms, you’re not ready to engage in the real acts. Period.

Less talking, more doing.

Q: Serious life advice needed. The girl I’ve been dating since sophomore year just broke up with me because we’re graduating this spring and she isn’t sure where her life is going and said she needed time alone, and she wanted to try being with other people. Acknowledging that this girl isn’t just college girlfriend material but actually 100% marriage material I asked her if she’d consider getting back together and after 2 days of thinking, she came over to tell me no but we ended up having sex and she slept over. In the morning her anxiety about the future came back and her desire to be with other people so I told her that we should take some time apart and reevaluate in the future. She’s in post-first serious boyfriend slut phase and I’m going insane because I want her back. What do I do?

A: After reading this question the first time I was planning on giving it to you softly; easing you into what you don’t realize is the reality you’re living.

But there’s just too little time for that. So here’s the deal: Homegirl is playing you.

The girl you’ve dated for two years is using the power of her former love and general access to her vagina as a stronghold, as a tool of manipulation. And you’re the poor sap who’s falling for it.

Lady is having her cake (from other dudes, and whatever the fuck else she wants) and chowing down on yours at the same damn time.

That’s how that line goes, right? Doesn’t matter. It applies here and gets the point across.

It’s time to give this girl an ultimatum—restore your power and position in the relationship by making her choice one of two paths: in or out. End of fucking story. Her true colors will genuinely shine through in her choice of response. That’s when you’ll find out if she really is the “marriage material” you’ve cracked her up to be.

Find the Ask a Babe archive here.

[Photo: mast3r/Shutterstock]