Remember that kid from middle school who everyone picked on but every time someone tried to be nice and give them a few pointers on how to be less like ‘bag full of limp dicks’ and more ‘standard middle schooler’ they got all high and mighty and declared how much cooler they were than everyone else? I feel like Ted Cruz was that kid. What the hell, I think he’s is still that kid. Cruz has about as much street cred as the dude who invented the fanny pack. Cruz garners so little respect that if his house caught fire, his own family may just leave him to die to avoid any further humiliation later in life.
Since Cruz garners so little respect from his own family, it’s no secret that Cruz has essentially been living under a tree with all the shade people are throwing at him. However, that doesn’t take anything away from how hilarious they are:
Welp, that’s my new favorite thing of all time. The ole’ “too slow” handshake gag is an absolute staple in humiliating people for no reason other than to make so many other people laugh that the one victim has no choice but to feel like a miserable piece of shit. The true hustle is just how premeditated this was. That guy has been planning his big moment vs. Cruz for months now. He probably didn’t sleep last night he was so excited. Plus, the fish monster joke is so spot-on I’m convinced this guy also happens to be a marine biologist.
Ted Cruz: Blobfish. This is why you don’t fuck with marine biologist. There are hundreds of thousands of fish species in the ocean and 95% of them are ugly as fuck. All these guys have to do is go to work and he’ll make sure that you never get laid again. But too slow, Cruz, because you just got blobfish-ed.
Beyond being ridiculed by angry scientists, Cruz has not been having an easy go of it at the tail end of this election. Maybe he can pull it off and win the nomination, maybe he can’t, but regardless I hope he stays around for a long time, if only to make myself feel cooler. Check out some of the other worst moments from his campaign highlight reel.