How To Not Look Drunk When You’re Actually Very Drunk

Everybody loves drinking: it loosens you up, makes annoying people more tolerable, and pretty much enhances any social situation. But it’s hard to know when you’ve had enough. Sometimes that one extra drink can take you from smashed to trashed and you’re no longer the guy sharing a fun story about going to the beach — you’re the guy shouting that you can swim like a dolphin at a frightened bathroom line.

People don’t like that guy. Being aggressively drunk makes people uncomfortable. To avoid this, you could be responsible by staying hydrated and drinking less… or you could keep partying and use these tips to avoid looking drunk.

Keep an even drunker friend with you.

This might seem silly, but as long as you have someone drunker with you, people’s judgment and shaming will avoid you and instead cling to that poor sap. Even if you’re drooling and slurring your words, you’ll look dignified as long as your drunker companion is shirtless singing “Who Let the Dogs Out.” If you begin to sober up as the night progresses, feel free to exchange your drunk friend for a less drunk friend and, if you meet someone to fornicate with, feel free leave your current drunk friend in a ditch.

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Dress like Charlie Chaplin

This move will mask all of your stumbling and fumbling, making it look like carefully crafted theater. Now when you face-plant or knock over glasses, people will applaud and think you’re just a committed entertainer. You can speak complete gibberish, drink a stranger’s drinks and repeatedly fall; the only thing you can’t do is vomit. Vomming will completely destroy the illusion you’ve created and ruin your vintage period clothing.

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Bring a sketchbook

You will NOT be actually drawing in the sketchbook. You’ll need to borrow a sketchbook from an artist friend or buy one from a starving artist, so it will already have impressive drawings. When you realize that you’ve become too drunk, pull out the sketchbook and just draw over a finished drawing lightly in pencil; it’ll look like you’re drawing when you’re really just a drunk piece of shit. No one would think you’re drunk, though, while you appear to be cranking out these works of art. Most importantly, it allows you to avoid eye contact with people. Brotip: take as long as you need to respond to questions: it’ll make you look like you’re passionate about your art, when you’re really just blacking out and peeing a little.

Be a hero

Of course you’re not going to be a hero! You’re a drunk buffoon! But you can at least try to look like one. Bring a bag out with you for when you start feeling too drunk. In your bag, try to bring as much of the following as possible: an Olympic medal, a graduation cap, a Super Bowl ring, a key to a city and an “I voted” sticker. The idea is to throw as much out as you can and see what sticks. People will be impressed with all your accomplishments and any drunken behavior will be ignored. Be careful with this costume though, you’ll already be drunk and lots of people may want to buy you drinks. It’s recommended that you decline them and say you have to wake up early to perform open heart surgery on a gaggle of baby pandas.

Get Old

Once you start noticing you’re too drunk and can no longer comfortably have any social interactions with people, go to the bathroom and put on a white wig, draw on some wrinkles, pop in a hearing aid and a suit that is slightly too large for you.  Now you won’t look like a drunken slob, you’ll just look like an adorable old person whose mind and body is beginning to fail them. Rather than going from conversation to conversation alienating people and ruining everyone’s opinion of you, you can throw on a costume and enjoy a night out as with no risk to your reputation or dignity.

Brett Osinoff is a New York comedian and writer who is often heralded as the poor man's Guy Fieri. His unique perspective evokes the feeling of a conversation with a professor who is eating Arby's while doing jazz hands.