I’m A Tinder Failure, What’s Wrong With Me?


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Q: Babe, I’ve been living in Sin City and using Tinder for about a year now and I’ve managed about 5 matches, 3 of which actually responded to messages, and none of which have met in person. Is Tinder legit or is it possible that I’m just that unappealing?
P.S. To all the girls that think they’re creative by calling themselves a “Tinderella”, please stop.

A: I’m unsure if by “living in sin city” you mean you’ve actually been living in the city of sin—as in, Las Vegas, or if you’ve actually been living in a perpetual state of misbehavior. Based on your lack of success with the ladies I guess I’ll have to assume the former.

It sounds like you’ve got a nasty case of the bad Tinder profile. Is your main picture of you lifting weights shirtless? Are you surrounded by a bunch of skanks at a club? Is it just a photo of your abs, sans face? These could be the immediate reason for your lack of “It’s a match!” popping up on your screen. If those don’t apply to you I’ve got to assume that you could do some work on the ol’ face.

Tinder is, at its very core, the most superficial platform upon which to see/meet people, so if you aren’t making the cut perhaps a makeover is in order. A new hairdo, a trim of the eyebrows, perhaps a facial for that stubborn acne…look at yourself as an outsider and hopefully that will help shed light on some areas for improvement.

As for “Tinderalla”…I don’t even know what that means but God knows it annoys the shit out of me.

Q: I just got back into school after a car accident left me paralyzed from the waist down. I have no problem talking/flirting with chicks, but when it comes down to dating most girls just don’t take me seriously as a potential suitor because they don’t think I can have sex. What would be a good non-creepy way to let women know that this couldn’t be further from the truth? In fact I would like to think I make up for the lack of motion in other ways ;).

A: Tough break my man–but a full goddamn round of applause for the never-quit attitude.

Of course women are going to assume certain things based on their limited knowledge of your injury, so you’re right in thinking it’ll take some extra work on your end to persuade them otherwise. By extra work, I mean you’re going to need someone on your team to set the record straight about your sexual abilities. Preferably of the female variety of course.
If you get the right girl on your team, she can slip in this pertinent information on your behalf without you coming off as desperate or creepy.
It’ll get the cogs turning in ladyland and, hopefully, get your sexual prowess on the roll it deserves.

Q: I’m in college and recently meet a hot, jacked, army man on an online dating website over spring break. It was honestly the best date of my life, dinner, romance and a little something something. After our date he asked me to be his girlfriend. Here’s where the problems start: he hasn’t added me on Facebook yet and I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding needy. I added him before we met in person, but he ignored it! What should I do?

A: I’ve got a red flag popping up here way before a Facebook friend request, and it’s somewhere around the part where you agree to be someone’s long distance girlfriend after one night of romance over SB2K14. I’m sure the sun was shining, the air filled with sea salt and raging hormones…but if there’s anything I’ve learned during my 20-something year stint on this earth, it’s that spring flings should never be made into something they aren’t. Aka anything more than the aforementioned “fling”. Facebook shmacebook homegirl. Committing yourself to a relationship with another person requires a hell of a lot more than a request sent on the interwebs.

Questions you should ask yourself include: How many hours have I actually spent with this boyfriend of mine? When the hell will I see him again? Will he have gay army sex to tide himself over until the next time we meet? Do I even know his middle name? What about his birthday? Sorry to be a ballbuster, but it’s what I’m here for. You want the truth, yes? Now go find yourself a nice college boy…within a 20 mile radius of your own campus.

Q: Back in high school I asked my prom date if she wanted to essentially “be my girlfriend” as we were approaching graduation and going to the same college. She declined, but now 7 years later she’s reached out to me and we hit it off. She says she’s always kept me in the back of her mind over the years but she was completely off my radar due to the fact that she, for a time, exclusively dated girls. Fast forward to now. Things between us are great and I truly think I’m falling for her. Now she wants to get a dog together but we’ve really only been “together” for about a month. Even though I’ve known her for years my question is should I be concerned at all that things are moving too fast? How do I express my concern without her thinking that I don’t want a relationship with her?

A: Well you certainly are one go-with-the-flow motherfucker. Your high school crush rejects your affections in favor of getting with girls for nearly a decade…then decides to make the call that you two should settle down and adopt an animal together? I won’t say she doesn’t sound interesting–casually going both ways is a sort of badass move–but I just see nothing good for your sake when she is quite literally calling every shot in your new relationship.

Despite how great she may be, I would wait seven years for no one–and it kind of sucks that she’s reeling you back in with such ease. I do agree that you have reason to be concerned about how fast things are moving, and you have every right to bring this issue up with her. You can bring it up with her the same way you asked me:

“After all of these years of you not wanting me in your life–and I currently want you in mine–you have to understand that suddenly moving so quickly is just a little confusing, and frankly making me a bit nervous.”

Make sure not to leave out the part about how much you want to be with her so she doesn’t spook, but get to the bottom of this before she informs you she’s five months pregnant and wants you to be the daddy.

Submit your Ask a Babe questions here.

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