There are only three guarantees in life: you’re going to die; you will have to pay taxes; and you will get into a heated, relationship-altering argument about what fast food chicken sandwich is the best. Lucky for you, I’m here to help. Like you’d feel assured having a doctor diagnose an injury, you can be at peace knowing that a black guy is conducting this chicken sandwich ranking. Stereotypes are stereotypes, so this is the cross that I bear. Use this as a cheat sheet going forward, you guys.
5. KFC Doublicious
It really is sad. This sandwich has so much potential, but it will never be anything more than a role player. See that picture? That shit looks scrumptious. That picture is also one of the most flagrant lies I have ever seen. KFC is not a sandwich shop. They don’t pretend to be and, to say the least, their sandwich design and composition leaves a lot to be desired. They basically toss everything in the bag, shake it up, hand it to you and let you figure out where everything belongs. I’m all for interactivity and the product ultimately tastes awesome, but once I get chipotle sauce on my hand and I have no fucking clue where the Monterrey Jack cheese is, I can’t place you higher than the five spot.
4. Popeye’s Po’ Boy Chicken Sandwich
I will go out on a limb and say Popeye’s might have the best seasoned chicken of all the fast food chicken sandwiches on this list. The problem with the Po’ Boy is that you’re always left wanting, but have too much pride to buy another one. If you get one of these without getting two chode-like tenders, you might have to buy a Powerball ticket. Hey, maybe this is economics smacking me right in the face, but I feel slightly cheated every time I buy one. Yet, you can’t help but to respect it. Any sandwich that can still be pretty good with only a couple pickles, some wilted lettuce, and weak tender distribution is alright in my book.
3. Bojangles Cajun Chicken
As an East-Coaster, this shit was downright elusive to me. On first glance, I thought Bojangles was some sort of racist southern establishment that didn’t shy away from a weekly minstrel show every now and then. Nope, wrong. While it still might be a racist southern establishment, they can ironically serve a goddamn chicken sandwich. But I’ll call a spade a spade here and level with you guys – this sandwich might have taken like 150 days off of my lifespan. The filet is thick, the spice is on point and they actually give a shit when they make them. If my blood flow didn’t slow down while I was eating this, it could be ranked a bit higher. Also, Bojangles reminds you that you ate Bojangles every few hours for roughly 72 hours.
2. Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich
That freckled red-headed vixen knows how to prepare a chicken sandwich. If you’re like me, you can say that you’ve known the Spicy Chicken Sandwich longer than you’ve known most of your closest friends. It had just enough kick to absolutely destroy your day if the wrong piece ended up stuck between your teeth, yet you always trusted it to get you out of a jam. At this point, I can’t remember the last time I’ve gone to a Wendy’s without ordering one of these. Only people with inferiority complexes get Baconators, right? Frankly, I wanted this sandwich to win. Too many memories. Alas, this list was over before it really began.
1. Chick-Fil-A* Spicy Chicken Sandwich
I never had a choice. Chick-Fil-A is just throwing a fastball down the middle of the plate and daring us to hit it. Their Spicy Chicken Sandwich is simplistic, has no frills and might even be a little cocky. Lettuce? Fuck lettuce. This sandwich is going to war with two pickles, a bun and a well-manicured chicken titty. AND it’ll make you question your socio-political belief system. Think about it. You have absolutely zero issue with the idea of homosexuality, but you love a homophobic sandwich. You’ll be hard-pressed to find another chicken sandwich on this list that will make you question your morals. Most importantly, this shit is spectacular. Tens all around. They’re the GOAT until someone steps up and takes their spot.
*They use hyphens in their name because they KNOW you’ll type them out every single time.