Greetings, bros of the digital dating era.
This past weekend I headed out to the Hamptons of East for some merrymaking/troublemaking with a heaping handful of my female cohorts.
Between making breakfast cocktails, going to the beach, and making dinner cocktails and giving each other’s digits out to strangers, I noticed a trend in revisited conversation: online dating. There were a couple success stories sprinkled amidst the nightmare tales but the overarching theme was, this is a sport you guys fucking suck at.
Wanting a help a brother out as always, I decided to wax on the topic and share some valuable feedback which I hope you’ll apply to your Tindering, Hinging, Bumbling and happenings go forward.
First, let’s talk profile pictures.
1. Finding the balance. I have to say, you guys spend way more time posing for selfies in mirrors than I ever expected. It’s definitely embarrassing for you but hey; to each his own.
If you insist on displaying your vanity that overtly, just do both of us a favor and don’t use more than one blatant selfie. Choose a picture with your mom or crop a group pic if you have to.
And speaking of group pics, while you don’t want all solo shots, we also don’t want to be forced into a game of Where’s Waldo just to figure out which fucking bro you are. Don’t waste our time hiding behind your squad. We’re too impatient for that shit.
2. Be outfit conscious. you may claim not to care what you look like, but you can’t deny the inherently shallow nature of the dating app you’re using–and therefore, if you look like shit, your success (or lack thereof) will mirror it.
Offensive and/or misogynistic tee shirts are highly advised against; as is wearing the same thing in every picture, wearing too little clothing in every picture, or generally looking homeless.
Girls don’t dig that shit, alright? And speaking of chicks;
3. Be aware of your female surroundings. Meaning, every time we see a girl in one of your pictures we’ll size up her/them as much as we do you.
There is no need; I repeat, NO NEED; to flaunt the fact that bottle service skanks agreed to a photo with you when you dropped $500 on a bottle of Stoli at some unnamed club in Meatpacking.
Do you like checking out pictures of trash? Neither do we.
It’s chill if you want to display the fact that you associate with attractive people, so a girl sprinkled in here or there is kosher- but feign a little modesty and keep the numbers limited.
Oh- and make sure it’s not the same girl appearing multiple times. Our read on that is you’re probably married with children.
4. Limiting yourself by only showing one picture.
Come on, man. You guys know damn well that you can’t tell shit about shit from a single picture- you need more than one.
No one is gonna take that risk of you looking suave as hell from the proper angle then meeting in person to discover a 5’3″ balding blind guy with a dad bod and peg leg. Not, chill man. You know you gotta prove yourself.
Unfortunately for you fucks, pictures aren’t the only place you’re making mistakes- whether or not you realize it, your description/personal bio matters too. And here’s what you’re doing wrong:
Yes, we’re all here to get to know each other, get to fuck each other, bla bla bla- but there truly is no need to write a paragraph on your backstory, perspective on the world and long term life goals.
“I’m an energetic go-getter with a passion for adventure, craft beers, family, and my golden retriever Jackson…
Let me stop you right there.
Save that boring shit for post-coital “cuddling” when I’m too high to hear what you’re saying.
No I get it, you think you’re fucking great. Gods gift to the world, even. But “Half man, half amazing”? Two halves left swipe.
“4.7 Uber rating. That says it all.”
Sure does, Ethan. Sure does.
Keep it simple- and if you’ve got it, maybe even clever.
Yes asshole, I know that’s not a word- but it fits with my theme here and speaks to my point so deal with it. When you have 300 characters to catch someone’s eye, spelling errors are un-fucking-acceptable. If you can’t spell, how the fuck can I be confident that you’ll be able to recite the alphabet on my clit? It’s just too big of a risk to take.
Also: emojis should be reserved for: never
8. Over picky
It’s okay to be particular and all, but shedding direct sunlight into your deep-seated control issues is not going to help your case.
Or your sex life.
You’re using a platform for potential hookups/romances, and not a job interview- so treat it accordingly.
Here’s what I’m talking about, taken from an actual living, breathing gibroni’s profile:
“Looking for a spunky but laidback, active, fun girl I can bring home to mom. Not into vegetarians or smokers, no emotional baggage please.”
Oh. Okay then.
Not saying I LIKE vegetarians, but you gotta be pretty full of yourself and simultaneously pretty dense to outline such outlandish and specific requirements before even talking to a girl.
What’s that old saying again? Ah yes– Hingers can’t be choosers. Remember that.
9. Over embellishing
Some apps offer the flexibility of “naming” what you do for a living rather than extracting information from Facebook. Which frankly in the end, is advantageous to no one.
So you’re a “Self starter”? Pretty sure I am too.
Now that I think of it, so is OJ Simpson, Kim Kardashian, and my neighbor drug dealer.
That doesn’t mean you get a special title or accolades.
I’m equally annoyed by the so-called “entrepreneur”…care to be less vague breau?
And one of my favorites, which I regret to promise I’ve now witnessed more than once– The CEO of “being awesome”.
Last I checked, THATS NOT A FUCKING FORTUNE 500, Bro.
I’m out of breath/brainpower and in need of five beverages- but I hope at least a fraction of this information sunk into your craniums.
Until next time, you hopeless fools.