Can Someone Hook Me Up With The Drug Dealer Who Sold Molly To This Parrot Singing ‘Everything Is Awesome’?

by 5 years ago

Have I heard a parrot speak 1,000 times? Yes. Will I never not be amazed by it? No. I for one have never received an explanation for why the fuck birds are able to speak. Granted, I’ve never really asked and all it would take is a simple Google search, but researching isn’t in my job description.

But this little fucker goes beyond just speaking, he’s singing. In perfect-pitched D minor. With emotion. Like he knows everything is awesome. Like his parrot side piece just returned his 2 am “You up, parrot?” text and is on her way over to his parrot cage so they can parrot fuck. Really makes me question the depths of his emotions. Like after the molly wears off, is he going to lay in his parrot cage and look up at his parrot ceiling, completely void of happy juices, questioning why he took a career in blogging when Parrot Pete from high school is making 100k selling life insurance? Will he question why he is unable to commit to other parrots beyond just a late night parrot bang sesh here and there? Is he worried about not using parrot protection with these promiscuous parrots? A lot of questions, not a lot of answers. He is me and I am him.

Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.

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