Every year millions of people smash billions of ounces of alcohol in the hopes of making memories they won’t remember. And this is your chance to get in on the fun like never before. So listen to my advice and avoid doing this dumb shit to ensure that you party your ass off right on New Year’s Eve.
DO NOT…
Be spontaneous
Plan this shit out, bro. Do not leave it to your last-minute man friends to decide on a place to go. Make an itinerary. Prepare a backup plan. Call people in advance. Make sure that no matter what happens you are guaranteed to have a good time somewhere.
Wait in line anywhere
In line with planning, if you know where you’re gonna go and it’s a club of some kind, hang out there a few times. Tip the bartenders well. Tip the doorguys well. Tip the dj. Smile. Ask about their day. I once wrote about how university employees can help you get laid.
So, also, can the people that work at the places you frequent. It’s called ‘networking.’ You’ve heard of that shit, right? You’ve used it to get a job, right? Use it to party, too. You never know what opportunities might fall into your lap simply because you made friends with some folks. And it definitely will help in getting around those damned obnoxious lines other suckers get roped into.
Drink before 10
Pace your drinking. Again, pace. Your. Drinking. You’re gonna get at least minutely smashed at some point. No need to rush into it and risk becoming ‘that guy’ fucking up everyone’s good time. Besides, you really don’t need that much alcohol to build and maintain a buzz ya’ fuckin’ alchy.
Honestly though, I probably won’t heed this advice so follow me on twitter @mightyspan to watch me say shit I shouldn’t be saying when I get drunk as fuck.
Go after average girls
Do not hedge your bets. If you wanna make memories you gotta shoot as high as possible. This means going for girls you might feel are out of your league. Besides, you never know who could be feeling your vibe…or feeling it after several glasses of champagne.
Dress like a schmope
Whether you go to a house party or a block-sized club party dress like you mean it. Shine those shoes. Use the good shower gel. The $70 cologne is your friend here. In fact, the cologne will be a better wingman than your handsome homey, especially since the cologne won’t steal your girl. Again. Fuck you Barry.
Eat shitty
If you eat shitty food before you go out your chances of getting hungover skyrocket. So drink lots of water before and during your night out. And before you leave the homestead eat some eggs, almonds and pickles as they have nutrients that your body will deplete while drinking and sweating. Do it right and you could drink your balls off and come out the other side a’ight.
Go in this looking to get laid
I know, I sound like a sacrilegious, contradictory asshole here, but hear me out. You got into all this partying and shit for the hopes of getting laid in the first place, right? Well you’re doing it wrong then. Girls can smell desperation on you like skunk smell in the heat of summer. So focus your night on partying with your bros. Being the life of the party is infinitely more attractive than slobbering all over your prospects. But more importantly, if you party this way it’s not a total wash if you don’t get some because you had a fucking good time regardless.