I’ve got this picture from kindergarten and it pisses me off every time I see it. There are four kids in the photo — yours truly, Matt, John and Kenny — and we’re standing around waiting for the teacher to get her ass in gear.
I’m the tallest kid in the photo. Fast forward to today and John’s like 5’9, Matt’s about 5’10 and Kenny’s well over 6 foot which must have come from his steady diet of boogers during story time. The kid popped snot in his mouth like Altoids.
I’m 5’6. I’ve been 5’6 forever. I was 5’6 freshman year of high school and my legs just stopped trying to grow.
I’m short, though I hate that term. I prefer to say my legs have special needs. I’ve learned to deal. I’ve also learned to take the negatives and turn them into positives.
Here are eight reasons every person my size, or god forbid shorter, will agree it’s not so bad being short.
You Eliminate Half The ‘Crazy’ Chicks
Nine out of ten women you meet are going to be nucking futs. By eliminating many potential partners you’re eliminating the amount of crazy in your life. You’re cutting the potential of crazy almost in half, literally, because you’ll only be dating women your own height or shorter.
I’m not saying there aren’t short crazy chicks. There are because I’ve dated more than a hundred. They’re just not AS crazy. I’ve dated crazy tall chick too. I’ve also found the short girls to be a little less dramatic. Unless they’re Latino or Dominican. Those broads are always smoking hot and super nuts but they’ll cut a bro.
Some Chicks Get Off On Shorter Bros
Some tall girls, and even some fake tall girls, love a shorter bro. You know those “fake tall” girls — 6 inch pumps in the street, but when they get home, can’t reach the bottom shelf of any kitchen cabinets.
Everyone has a fetish. Some chicks just like shorter guys. It’s a turn on. Maybe their old man was short. Maybe their first screw was a jockey. Maybe they’ve got a dominate streak and want to constantly feel like they’re in control in the relationship. Maybe…oh who cares why, it’s a gift, and let’s just ride it out until she starts chain-whipping you during foreplay.
You’re Always In The Front During Photos
Every look at a group photo and feel bad for the heads peeking out in the back row because everyone wants to be in the picture. When you’re a short bro, you’re always in the picture.
Short bros are always in the front for photos so it always seems like they’re the most important person in the picture. “Oh look, there’s Kevin. Oh look, Kevin again. God damn it, did Kevin talk to every chick at this party?” Nope! Kevin just knows how to sneak into every selfie. He’s crafty as shit.
On an unrelated note — fuck those regular sized people who crouch down to be in the front row of photos. Back of the line, hoss.
Every Famous Person Is Like 5’1
Do a search of Hollywood heights. Even the biggest dick swingers in Tinseltown use step ladders to do love scenes or put lifts in their shoes for red carpet events. Ryan Seacrest carries a box around to interview people at the Emmys so it doesn’t look weird on camera. Just kidding, Seacrest stands on his wad of millions because bro is fucking loaded.
Just look at this height chart. Mark Wahlberg and Jeremy Renner play total bad asses on screen, neither of them can see well in a crowd. Jason Statham can karate kick himself out of any situation but can’t buy pants longer than 34″. Elijah Wood is LITERALLY a hobbit. And all those dudes are rich and famous. Dream big, little bro. Dream big.
Clothes Shopping Is A Little Easier….Sometimes
Clothes shopping is catch 22 so here are the disadvantages first — it’s hard to find clothes that fit “right.” You’ll grab a shirt that works around the chest, neck and arms but it falls to just above your ankles like a nightgown and you never tuck in shirts. Maybe you’ll find a decent pair of pants, cheap, but they’re too long so you’ve got to pay to get them shorten so you’re really paying like $80 bucks total for pants you only paid $60 for.
On the plus side, smaller bro’s clothes tend to not sell as quick. Go into any store right now and all the medium and large sizes are gone. Nothing but smalls and XXL on the rack. If you wear a XS or Small you’re always in luck. Ever try on a XXL for shits and giggles? Do it, it’s hilarious. Put on a XXL shirt and walk around H&M screaming “THEY’VE DISCOVERED MY SECRET SHRINKING GUN! CALL THE FBI!”
It’s Easier To Put On Muscle — I Think
I roomed with a basketball player in college. We both ate a large Dominoes pizza every night. He never put on a pound. I got wider than the ass part of Nicky Minaj’s spandex. Eventually, I hit the gym as well, and all that pizza turned to pounds of muscle. Real quick.
Maybe there is no science involved to prove this theory but it feels much easier for short guys to bulk up for a few reasons. First, short guys tend to be endomorphs so there is more “clay to sculpt.” Tall guys tend to be ectomorphs. Check out all of the biggest body builders in the world, and aside from a few monsters, most of those guys are under 5’10.
Plus the short arms and limbs mean less movement when moving heavier weight. Also, less time to get the weight back on the rack after you’ve realized “oh, this was a bad idea.”
You’ll Never Be In Charge…But Who The Fuck Wants To Be?
Being tall helps your career. According to the Journal of Applied Psychology, when it comes to height in the workplace, every inch counts. Each inch above average may be worth $789 more per year based on their findings. A bro who “is 6 feet tall earns, on average, nearly $166,000 more during a 30-year career than someone who is 5 feet 5 inches — even when controlling for gender, age and weight.”
Which is great if you want to work in an office for the rest of your damn life and want to have stress kill your sex drive at age 40 before a heart attack kills the rest of you at 45. People with big positions are usually miserable. The office grunts, meaning US SHORT FOLKS, are just as miserable but at least we don’t take our work home with us. We clock out mentally from work after we clock our physically. Keep your high paying gig, I want to live to see 50.
In some jobs height don’t mean squat. Short guys go after those jobs.
“Little Man Complex” Gets Out Of Way More Situations Than “He’s Crazy”
Here’s the funny thing about getting angry as a shorter guy — everyone blames it on “little man complex.” “Oh he’s just mad because he’s short. He’s carrying around a grudge because he’s never been tall.” Wrong, you prick, I’m angry because your fat sweaty ass is dripping through your Walmart jeans and you just stained my couch. A short person can be angry for reasons other than personal.
Anyway, the “little man complex” can come in handy in certain situations. People tend to be nicer because they don’t want you to flip the hell out for no reason and no one wants to mess with the dude who goes off for no reason. It’s like that guy everyone calls “crazy” but no one really knows why he’s crazy. He just never gets fucked with. I know why he’s crazy. People ruining his couch.
Chris Illuminati is a writer who’s tall enough to be on Twitter @chrisilluminati.