This Sexual Exposure Calculator Determines How Many People You’ve Been Indirectly Exposed To And We Could Very Well Be Eskimo Bros :)

Hey man! Or should I say “brother.” Looks like we’ve got more in common than a debilitating drinking and masturbation problem. We may very well have touched dicks!! Like our dicks are probably friends of friends. They’d say what up if they were caught in an elevator together, but your dick probably wouldn’t invite mine to its birthday party. May even one day our kielbasas can graduate to Facebook friends, I don’t know. Wishful thinking.

*Us* <3

This revelation was presented to me today in the form of a sexual exposure and STI risk calculator, courtesy of Dr. Felix.

This tool is for anyone wishing to discover exactly how many people they have been sexually exposed to applying the theory of six degrees of separation coupled with a finite geometric series.

However, you may have come across similar calculators in the past, so we have added on an interactive feature for you to also find out your potential risk of getting some of the most common sexually transmitted infections based on your local city. Simply enter the number of your sexual partners and their average partners, and let us do the complex arithmetic for you.

Alright, bro. Fill in the below fields and don’t lie about your number–have a little goddamn integrity. But before you start, let’s take a quick GIF break:

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I think I need to see a doctor.

[h/t Dr. Felix]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.