“In order to get stuff done, you gotta do stuff.”
That seemingly profound quote was 100% made up by me, the author, in an attempt to make myself sound like a credible, hardworking individual. Now, although that quote may or may not have blown you away with its pure geniusness (and be honest: if that was a meme, it’d be viral on Facebook), it’s unfortunately not the mantra I always live by.
Nor do you, I can safely presume, and it’s quite possible the exact reason you’re even reading what I’ve written here. Now, saying that is not calling you out, or asking you to go away. No, and I know you won’t, because you’re putting something off.
Now that we’ve cleared the air on all that, let’s get down to what this is really about. An Internet writer, who’s procrastinating joining the real world earnestly dissecting the procrastination habits of those who’ve chosen to come here for some entertainment. Seems a bit unfair perhaps, but we’re all in the same boat here: procrastinating something, so why judge?
We shouldn’t, but that isn’t to say it’s not clear what kind of person you (and I) are as a procrastinator. Please do forgive this extended intro: I figured you wanted as much time away from whatever it was you had at hand but were avoiding. Anyway, let’s get down to it, shall we? Good, but first, let me just say…
……Sorry about that, where were we? I went and browsed the Internet for an hour, took a dump and napped a bit. Oh, right, we were discussing the habits of procrastinators. Gosh, how ironic is that? Finally, without further ado the…
……Sorry again! Got wrapped up in an IMDB/Wikipedia blackhole. Here’s what people assume is true about you if you’re a procrastinator! Surely, you’ve enjoyed this very elongated introduction and aren’t complaining.
1. You have a seemingly omnipotent internal clock that goes off, mostly in the middle of the night, that reminds you that the thing you’ve been putting off has finally come to pass, as in it might have passed already and you missed it.
2. You tell people that you’re motivated by deadlines, so you often put things off to get that endorphin rush of the challenge that lies ahead. Although, that’s a lie. You’re probably just rather lazy, but clearly a wordsmith.
3. You’ve been known to put things off, because you’re quote unquote too busy during the day, but then do the same thing at night, because you’re so sleepy and can’t focus.
4. You know a lot of extremely pointless facts, because instead of doing whatever it is that you’re avoiding, you’ve found yourself in an all out search of all things Internet that lead you to the depths of trivial knowledge.
5. The word “ugh” isn’t necessarily part of your spoken vocabulary, but makes frequent appearances throughout your inner monologue.
6. The phrase, “just one more episode,” became your calling card when Netflix premiered its streaming services.
7. You actually probably have a pretty good poker face considering there are countless tasks hanging over you like a black cloud at all times, but you just sit there and pretend that your entire world might not come crashing down at any moment as you scramble to do something at the last minute you just remembered you needed to do.
8. You’re very good at convincing yourself that wherever you are with a task is a great stopping point. Need to read something? Well, the end of the first paragraph of it is a good stopping point. It’s easy to remember where you left off that way!
9. You’ve, on many an occasion, done a horrid, gruesome chore rather than doing something that could be easily accomplished just because you didn’t want to deal with it.
“I could call and wish my grandparents a happy birthday, but this garbage needs organizing (or something)!”
10. In reference to #8, you probably didn’t even make it this far. You probably bookmarked this link and moved on with your life. You started to read it, but that opening seemingly profound quote was all the motivation you needed to get back to whatever it was this piece of content was keeping you from. Although, bookmarking this may have lead you to previously bookmarked items and the cycle has restarted itself.
You’re welcome for that.
Man procrastinating image by Shutterstock