A human being’s personality is as recognizable as the way they walk, brush their hair or hold the toilet during a boisterous round of post-Jagermeister puking. No matter how they try to hide embarrassing aspects of their personality, they will come out. As much as you will struggle to hold back a nervous fart at a job interview, so also will you fail to stay the quirky aspects of your character.
The advantage to this is that it makes getting to know people a lot easier. Cosmo will have you studying a guy’s music collection to see which songs will make him marriage material. Esquire will point you to a girl’s choice in lingerie to figure out how much of a freak she is.
Screw that. I want to show you the entire thought spectrum of a person’s mind simply by studying their email address. And no matter how long ago or how recently they may have started that email, it will still tell you a lot about who they are today.
Why would you put your birthday in your email address? Because you struggle with creativity. I’ll bet your password also has your birthday in it, too, doesn’t it? Ooooh it’s backwards. You’re so clever. I’ll email your contact list and let them know how creative you are. From your account, of course.
You also need to know that this person will probably require massive parties on their birthday with lavish gifts and lots of alcohol. Don’t expect the same level of care to be reciprocated when yours comes around though.
White person with urban Slang
Being 14 is no excuse for using ‘yolo,’ ‘swag,’ or ‘dopewitit’ in your email address. Black people don’t even do that and it’s their slang to use. We all know you went through that hardcore Eminem phase in high school. But holding on to your leftover hair bleach will not, a cool guy, make. Throw it away. And that damn email address. And buy a pair of dress slacks for God’s sake.
Black with White Slang
You think you’re assimilating with your White friends. You’re not. And your White friends are making fun of you because of it. All of them. The old ones you don’t talk to anymore and the new ones you just met at the job are all like, ‘Cool email, dude!’ to your face and ‘I’m Blacker than that guy!’ when you turn around. Switch that up, pronto.
The person using their full name as their webmail username has clearly never heard of Edward Snowden and the NSA, identity theft or Target leaving 70 million credit card numbers on the mailroom computer’s desktop in a file called ‘Welovebeingsued.txt.’ A person this oblivious is good for loyal friendship as they are probably genuine and forthcoming, but avoid discussing current events with them lest you be disappointed.
Jokes in email addresses are cute the first 482 times you log in. Use a picture to keep the memory instead. It’s less lame.
Trusting a Microsoft email with your private correspondence is like trusting an 8 year old with a perma-stocked cookie jar in their room and expecting them to not get diabetes. We all know Google uses your info to sell ads and report kiddie porn, but at least it isn’t as easily hacked as a Microsoft email. Someone willing to use this webmail probably still wears stuff like Starter jackets and Hush Puppies hoping that the brands will make a full comeback. Do like Disney and let it goooo. Let it gooooooooooo.
Gmail account longer than six years
The early Gmail adapter is probably very aware of internet trends and social technology because they got an account back when they were only available via invite. This person also enjoys telling you about this often. And loves busting your email threads packed with funny videos and pictures because they ‘already saw that on Reddit.’
The Yahoo! user may think they’re a brand loyalist, but they are really just curmudgeons who are too ‘set in their ways’ to upgrade to an webmail that actually has a functioning spam filter (unlimited space my ass). Good luck planning trips with these folks. They’d probably rather watch ‘50 First Dates’ and drool over the tropical beauty than actually get up and go see it with you.
Also, make sure you never send them anything that can get you fired or piss off your wife. After Microsoft emails, Yahoo emails are as wide open as goatse (if you don’t already know the reference, don’t Google it. Seriously. Don’t do it.)
Dot E-D-U (Community College)
The Goofy.user@Community.College.edu is entirely too excited to be in school if they’re actually using their school email as their primary. If you’re their friend, make sure they’re using their rapidly accruing debt to at least learn something eminently marketable. You must do this because they clearly haven’t the good sense to do it themselves. Just say ‘NO’ to the basket weaving elective.
Dot E-D-U (University)
If you’re between the ages of 18 and 22 (25 for the Van Wilder types) then your usage of your school email can be excused. After that, you’re just trying to hold on to those college memories like that time you got drunk and passed out. Or that other time you got drunk and passed out.
If this is your friend, you will probably have to protect them from their own naive drunken generosity when you hit the bar. Enjoy the free shots while you can, but enjoy too many and you may have to help him cover the $400 bar bill.
Your buddy using His.Name@HisName.com is either going to be a millionaire or is an aspiring motivational speaker. Either way, they’re headed somewhere. Hold on to their friendship for dear life as it will be a networking windfall.
You’re either hanging out with someone that has the sensibilities of an octogenarian or someone so unaware of the change in social sensibilities that they still use Internet Explorer and say ‘surf the web.’ This person will struggle with texting and thinks that HDMI is an actual word pronounced, ‘hudmee.’ Whenever possible, keep this friend away from technology or you’re gonna drive yourself crazy giving tech support over the phone.
Remember how Dave Chappelle said that the White male hanging out with a group of rough-looking Black guys is the most dangerous one in that group? Same goes for the guy using his work email as his personal email. The guy unconcerned with putting ‘Check out this Tijuana donkey getting raw dogged!!!’ in the subject line of his work-based email cannot be entirely trusted. Whenever you go out with him, be sure to have bail money and a few reliable emergency contact numbers memorized.
And if for some reason you end up going to the strip club with this guy, get condoms on the way. You’ll thank me later.