The thing I love most about blogging is how it affords you the opportunity to read anything and everything on the Internet. Every week I’m knee-deep in the news cycle, reading anything at all that I think might be of interest to your bros. So when I say that this story is the funniest thing I’ve read this week that’s actually a pretty bold statement, and I want you to know how much I mean it. Yesterday we brought you many stories about ‘ye olde movie popcorn trick’ where dudes cut holes in the popcorn tub and both successfully and unsuccessfully flipped the popcorn trick into an HJ. This story is a beast of a different nature. Today’s story comes from one American man living in Poland, and his completely bizarre quest to inject a little America into the movie theaters of Europe.
I’m an American who was living in Poland at the time of this fuck up. I’ve always been a big fan of going to the movies and I love popcorn. The one thing that always bothered me about European movie theaters, though, is that they don’t give you butter on your popcorn. You can order it sweet or salty, but not greasy.
My wife’s cousins had traveled to my city to visit (somehow they are always around for my fuck ups!), and we decided to go see a movie. I was talking about the superiority of American popcorn and they were making the predictable “fat American” jokes about our cultural need to pour fat on everything. We were going back and forth, and I got so worked up in my patriotic fervor that I told them I would bring my own butter to the movies to demonstrate how great it was. I melt a stick of butter in the microwave, pour it into a glass jar, put the jar into the pocket of my peacoat, and we head to the movies.
It was the dead of Polish winter, and it took us quite some time to take the trams to the theater. By the time we get there, the butter had congealed to a semi-solid that was glued to the bottom of the jar. No problem, we buy a large popcorn and my cousin holds it while waiting for me outside the men’s room. I go into one of the stalls, hold the jar by the rim, and strike my lighter underneath it. Unfortunately, the lighter made quite a distinct sound, and people in the bathroom heard it. The gap in the stall door frame was quite wide, and a couple of people shot glances my way. I’m not sure what they think they saw, but it must have been weird to see a guy with a lighter under a glass. I heard whispers about “narkotyki” and started to get nervous. Was security about to get called on me for suspected crack smoking?
Fortunately, the butter melted quite quickly and I decided to make a run for it. Unfortunately, the jar was way too hot to hold anywhere except by the rim. So I did the only thing I could think of, which was to hold the jar in front of me by the rim and briskly walk out of the bathroom before my fingers burned. The crowd parted wide for me as I half-ran through the bathroom holding a mysterious jar of yellow liquid. People were equally stunned outside the bathroom when I emerged. An entire theater was emptying out in front of me, and all they saw was a frantic-looking man running out of a bathroom and hurriedly dumping a jar of yellow fluid into a popcorn bag held by an embarrassed-looking accomplice. There were several pronounced looks of disgust.
I can’t say that I kept my head held high after that, but I can say that I enjoyed the hell out of that buttered popcorn while watching that movie. Good times. I still love popcorn, but these days I’m more into olive oil and nutritional yeast than butter.
TL;DR: My American love of grease makes Poles think I’m a crackhead who enjoys flavoring my food with urine
This is straight out of a movie and I don’t mean to make that connection because it happened at the movies. This level of FAIL is something you’d see happen to Mr. Bean, some character played by Paul Rudd. Where it starts so innocently and devolves into the most embarrassing outcome possible.
Bless this man for sharing his story with the world and not keeping that shame bottled up like the jar full of butter-piss. For more ‘TIFU‘ stories like this one you can follow that link and check out the archives.