Allegedly, Jessica Simpson was definitely, maybe plastered when she appeared on the Home Shopping Network to hawk her line of overpriced rubbish.
On Thursday night, the 35-year-old “singer”/”actress”/”designer” peddled her clothes and accessories, but many HSN viewers noticed that Jessica was seemingly trashed. Simpson slurred her words and gabbed entirely too much about nonsense.
— Jessica Simpson (@JessicaSimpson) September 18, 2015
The mother-of-two definitely appeared to be white girl drunk as she giggled through her sloppy sales pitch of her rags.
“Ashlee is like the best at wearing grey… my sister… Like, she’s very rock ‘n’ roll, but there’s something about a grey… that’s like… sexy. Maybe it’s her and her husband, they share jeans… I have no idea…. I dunno there’s just something hot about them.”
There’s nothing sexy about the color grey. Hamburger meat turns grey when it rots, and it definitely doesn’t give me a turgid erection. Ask Western Europeans if the grey-colored uniforms of the Wehrmacht army are sexy. Grey is just a color dummy, it’s not sexy.
The producer or Simpson’s publicist must have noticed the embarrassing situation because Jessica’s mother Tina made an unscheduled appearance.
While it’s totally unprofessional to show up with pinot grigio spewing out of your pores, there’s part of me that understands why she did it. Jessica has to make a two-hour appearance on the Home Shopping Network and must pretend that her $59 jeans, that were probably made in a sweatshop in Bangladesh and cost $1.27 to make, are high fashion apparel that will take the tens of fat housewives from Kentucky that are watching this drek and transform them into Jessica Simpson. It would be hard for me to lie to people like that, so I too would get shitfaced to ease the pain. Plus she’s on the Home Shopping Network and nobody is really watching right? It’s like that classic philosophical question, “If Jessica Simpson is drunk on the Home Shopping Network does anyone actually see it?” Unfortunately for Jessica, the answer is yes.
However this is old hat for Jessica, back in March she was incoherent for the prestigious Teen Vogue 10th Annual Fashion University.
The only question that remains is how is her publicist going to spin her inebriated appearance? They could say that Jessica has an alcohol addiction and is immediately going to rehab. They could say that Jessica had a head cold and took some Sudafed which had an adverse affect on her. But my bet is that they will say Jessica made a cross-country flight after “working” non-stop for six straight days and she was suffering from a combination of jet lag and exhaustion. But being a person very familiar with being drunk, it sure looked like she was plastered drunk to me.