8 Drinking Tips Every Fitness Bro Should Know

Our weekly video:

Bill Nye the Science Bro

One starting note: The following is merely a management protocol for alcohol. The reality is that it's clearly better for your body to not flooded with copious amounts of poison every weekend.

Nevertheless, science be damned- we're going to drink. Here's how to minimize the damage:

1. Know what's going on

Alcohol is considered toxic chemical to your body from the moment it enters and needs to be processed. Good start. This process happens in your liver and when the alcohol is converted into acetic acid, it loses its toxicity.

Unfortunately for your liver, you have been shoveling exponential amounts of beer down your gullet for hours and he cannot process that shit fast enough. This causes you to be drunk.

Here are some of the negative effects of alcohol on your system:
-Depletes the body of nutrients (nutrients are overrated)
-Lowers testosterone and growth hormone (well that sucks, but you need to know it).
-Is a Diuretic (causes you to pee)

Keep that in mind before you even take a sip.

2. Drink water before, during, and after- Helps prevent the hangover.

Alcohol is what we call a natural diuretic. This is why, when you drink, you pee like a pregnant woman.

When you lose too much water your body grabs it from your major organs. This includes your brain, which, while drinking, will actually shrink from the lack of fluids. This is one of the reasons you have a hangover. Drink water before, during, and after to prevent your mind from shriveling into a raisin and hating you the next morning.

3. Mixed Drinks

Crown and coke is for your girlfriend, Bro. I have said it on earlier posts, but that extra sugar on top of your alcohol is like reserving a ballot into the slop body hall of fame.

Drink something straight or add a little water or club soda to it. If you order a diet coke or anything “low cal,” know that even if nobody says anything, we are all ruthlessly questioning your manhood.

4. Beer

For some of you, I am about to tell you that Santa doesn't exist. Beer causes your body to produce estrogen, decrease your testosterone, and inhibit hgh. If you know anything about hormones, hgh and testosterone are the holy grail of getting Swolebraham Lincolned (Credit Dom for that one).

While even with this knowledge I refuse to give it up, you need to drink it at a minimum. I have seen studies in support of light beer and studies in support of dark- Dark has more antioxidants; light beer has less calories, we could wage a war against the two, but it really does not matter.

The only thing you need to be concerned with it minimizing this as much as possible. In comparison to straight shots and wine, beer is the unwanted ginger stepchild of fitness. Drink two max when out at the bar making other regrettable decisions.

5. Wine

Listen, I know there is nothing inherently bro about wine. For the love of God, I probably just lost my contract with the Brobible after posting that picture. However, recent studies found in my apartment have shown that bitches love wine. My jokes go from receiving slight chuckles to me being fucking Louis C.K. I also think her laughing hysterically at the beginning of the night, makes up for her crying about my performance at the end. Win-Win-Win.

Wine is actually the best alcoholic fitness drink, which is an oxymoron. Shut up. Simply put, because of its low calories, antioxidants, and high alcohol content, wine is you best bet. Learn to like it because you're probably working out just to pull slampieces anyway. Middle man cut.

Oh, and if your about to post some comment about the sugar in wine, fuck you. They're fucking grapes. Eating a piece of fruit once every blue moon won't kill you.

6. Liqueur

Sounds like a strange French sex position. This shit is to be avoided: Usually very sweet and high in sugar (not from real fruit)- plus saying “It's liqueur” to ANYBODY will not only make you sound like a complete sack of douche, but will hurt your gainz from the gym. And I know, that you know, that I know, you're all about your gainzzzz bruh.

7. Fast food while drinking

Listen, I love drunk Taco Bell just as much as anybody. Jack in the box tacos and McDonald's Mcgangbang is proof of God, but only that he wants you to suffer a horrible obese death.

You are not allowed to eat fast food while you drink, EVER. You are turning a bad situation into eloping with a Jehovah's witness in Reno.

Here is the solution: before you go out for the night, put a protein bar in your pocket. While all your friends are munching on those cool ranch tacos, you can cry in the corner while pretending your cliff bar tastes “really good.”

8. Aspirin before bed and Eggs in the morning

Aspirin inhibits the release of a chemical called prostaglandin which has been shown to produce hangovers.
Tylenol and others do not do this.