The Internet Is Baffled By Lions Coach Dan Campbell’s Absurd Daily Starbucks Order

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A single bead of sweat runs down the porcelain face of Dan Campbell’s office toilet as the stall door swings open each morning and the Lions head coach begins anxiously tap dancing in front of it like a runner at a red light.

No toilet, no matter it’s past sins, should be subjected to the daily abuse Dan Campbell bestows upon it every morning after purging a Starbucks coffee intake fit for a resurrection.

Tell me you do cocaine without telling me you do cocaine:

“Normally what I do is I get two venti. At Starbucks, I get two venti of the Pike with two shots in them. So, black in both.”

40 ounces of coffee and four espresso shots amounts to 1,100 mg of caffeine, or the equivalent of drinking 10 Red Bulls every single morning. The FDA daily limit suggestion is 400 mg per day.

Anyone have any blow they can send Dan’s way? Not sure it will help much with the toilet abuse, but will alleviate the teeth stain.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.