Mouth-Breathing Eagles Fan Tries Running Onto Field And This Didn’t End How He Drew It Up


Running onto the field is like riding a bull: how long can you ride the wave before you’re mutilated in front of thousands of people? Some are cut out for it, and some learn the hard way that the only thing they’ve achieved was losing their dignity and most likely, their job.

My buddy and I ran onto the field at Fenway Park during a Red Sox rain delay in 2010. Took our shirts and shoes and slid on the infield tarp twice. 20,000 people went bonkers. I’m 28 years old and have never felt a rush that intense, that all-encompassing. It was the best 30 seconds of my entire life, with the exception of losing my virginity.  Best $100 (Trespassing fine) I’ve ever spent.

But this dude. This fucking guy. May have been the most half-hearted, uninspired run onto a field in sporting history. Zero attempt at dodging players/authorities, negative charisma, completely clothed. Spitting in the faces of dudes like me who put their souls into drunkenly storming a professional gridiron, entirely uninvited.

I mean look at this fucking guy. This was probably the least illegal thing he did all day.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.