LeBron James Congratulates His Younger Self In The Most Egotistical Instagram Post You’ll See

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With 29,993 career points, LeBron James is on the cusp of eclipsing the 30,000-point mark Tuesday night against the Spurs. Only six players in NBA history have reached that threshold–Kareem, Malone, Kobe, Jordan, Wilt, and Dirk. It is a truly incredible achievement. You know it. I know it. But most of all, LeBron James knows it. So please take no pleasure in witnessing the social media manifestation of whacking off into a ceiling mirror.

The caption:

Wanna be one of the first to Congratulate you on this accomplishment/achievement tonight that you’ll reach! Only a handful has reach/seen it too and while I know it’s never been a goal of yours from the beginning try(please try) to take a moment for yourself on how you’ve done it! The House you’re about to be apart of has only 6 seats in it(as of now) but 1 more will be added and you should be very proud and honored to be invited inside. There’s so many people to thank who has help this even become possible(so thank them all) and when u finally get your moment(alone) to yourself smile, look up to the higher skies and say THANK YOU! So with that said, Congrats again Young King 🤴🏾! 1 Love! #striveforgreatness🚀#thekidfromakron

Dude. I led my JV team in Charges Taken In The Final Two Minutes Of The Game With My Team Ahead 15+ Points. My senior year. You don’t see me throwing up a #TBT photo on the anniversary of me scoring 8 points, ripping down 4 boards, and fingering a cheerleader post-game talking to my 2005 self like Stephen Glansberg in a time machine.

Bron Bron, shamelessly congratulating yourself in this manner comes off as self-indulgent and pathetic. If there’s one thing you can learn from me besides how to drive away the people close to me, it’s how to flawlessly execute an effective humble brag. Follow these steps.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Guide To The Perfect Humblebrag

  • Establish the premise of the post to be about someone else
  • Relate that person’s experience to a better, more noble achievement in your life
  • Clarify the theme (generosity, heroism, bravery, feats of strength, etc.)
  • Be self-deprecating, but only about something innocent (DO: I’ve always stunk at math. DO NOT: I stole money from my grandmother to buy drugs.)
  • Really nail home how fucking sweet you are.
  • Conclude by somehow bringing the story back to congratulating that pawn you began the post with.

Bron, please study the examples below.

I will be billing you for my services.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.