I Choose To Believe NFL’s Near-Perfect Coronavirus Announcement, Logic Be Damned

by 3 months ago

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The National Football League announced today that the COVID test results for the week of August 12 – 20 are in.

  • 23,260 tests were administered to players; 35,137 tests were administered to personnel.
  • There were zero positive tests among players and six new confirmed positives among other personnel.

Twenty three thousand and two hundred and sixty tests. ZERO confirmed cases.

For perspective, the University of Alabama is reporting 500 cases just six days after moving students in, and they aren’t even required to shower together unless they’re blood relatives.

Pardon me if I come of a bit suspicious of any successes from the business that brought us the replacement officials and that can’t agree if it wants to make love to the American flag or shit on a bald eagle.

There’s still a smidge of lingering wariness surrounding the commissioner who approaches investigations with the aptitude of the Manitowoc Police Department and doles out proper suspensions with the consistency of Blake Bortles.

Dr. Fauci: “Yeah guys I don’t know if it’s a good idea to get back to the most high contact sport on the planet as we approach 6 million cases in the United States. My latest research shows a dire futur–

NFL: “Have a beer Softy Fauci we got plexi-glass we’re good.”

They say never spit in a gift horse’s mouth so I choose to believe this new information alleging the NFL’s near-perfect COVID numbers are accurate, if for nothing else to hold out hope that football will save my psyche from devolving further into a pandemic-and-alcohol-and-weekday-cigarette fueled existential crisis.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Roger Goodell, Infectious Disease Eradicator:

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.

TAGSNFLRoger Goodell