Judging By These Pics Of The Olympic Village Housing In Rio, Would You Rather Stay There Or Steven Avery’s Guest Room?

Rio, Brazil is the kid in class who found out the midterm was due tomorrow but didn’t even buy the textbook. Rio put about as much effort into preparing for the 2016 Olympics as I do reading the Terms and Conditions before making an online purchase for dick pills. Yo Rio, take off your stained Billabong sweatshirt, put down the Red Bull, pull up your JNCOs, and get your shit together. And this is coming from the dude whose life mantra is ‘the best thing about waiting until the last minute is that it only takes a minute.’

But I’ve come full circle with Rio. I’m in full acceptance mode. At first I thought the Olympians were being divas, and then a floating corpse and a severed arm were found floating in the water outside the village and a study showed that the viral levels in the bay is up to 1.7 million times what would be considered worrisome in the United States or Europe. At which point I realized that Rio just didn’t give a shit. Then I was flooded with respect.

The respect grew tenfold when I saw these pictures that media members posted of their quarters after arriving in Rio de Janeiro. Reporters from China’s Xinhua News Agency posted the following to their Twitter account. It looks more like a hostage situation.


This bed isn’t going to hold up with all that Olympic fucking going down in the village.



Anne Frank had cozier quarters.


Showers typically work better with a head.


I’m no electrician but this doesn’t look up to code.


Running water costs extra.


Love what they did with the walls.


Just a few sprays of Axe body spray should do the trick.

[h/t Deadspin, XHSports Twitter]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.