It’s Officially Time To Stop Paying Attention To Colin Kaepernick Rumors Until An NFL Team Actually Signs Him

stop talking about colin kaepernick rumors

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There are plenty of ways you can instill life lessons in impressionable young children, and while it may not be the best strategy in regard to preventing long-term psychological trauma, the “scaring the shit of them” route is a pretty damn effective one.

By now, I think most people know that many of the fairy tales Disney has plucked from the public domain to print the money they use to pay lobbyists to make sure none of their intellectual property meets the same fate draws from some impressively fucked up source material, as animated films featuring rampant child abuse, dead princesses, and a blatant disregard for the concept of consent are what people in the industry refer as a “hard sell.”

Those movies are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the fables and allegories authority figures have to pick from when they’re in the mood to give kids an education in morality and one of the more popular ones seems to be The Boy Who Cried Wolf, a charming tale used to teach children they shouldn’t lie if lest they get disemboweled by a wild animal.

That classic tale recently popped into my mind after I came across a story concerning Colin Kaepernick, as reporter Michael Silver appeared on NFL Network on Wednesday and revealed he’s spoken to two teams who have expressed interest in signing the quarterback, who has been the subject of renewed focus as the police brutality he attempted to call attention to by kneeling during the national anthem has been thrust to the forefront of the public consciousness.

Silver then revealed he believes that teams will be in a “holding pattern” until they can have Kaepernick showcase his stuff in person when training camp begins, at which point I promptly closed the tab and decided I’m officially fucking over this whole charade.

I want to stress that I’m not specifically calling out Silver here and have no reason to doubt the veracity of these specific claims, but how long are we going to sit here and watch reporters cite anonymous sources who say a team is “looking into” or “exploring the possibility of” or “seriously considering looking into exploring the possibility of” signing the QB only for nothing to come to fruition and then see thee cycle inevitably start anew before we take a step back and ask why we’re doing this to ourselves.

By this point, Kaepernick rumors are basically AC/DC songs in the sense that team names and levels of interest may vary from story to story, but when everything is said and done, there’s not much that differentiates them from all of the others (and even worse, there’s no way to turn them into a fun drinking game).

I honestly have no idea how many times this news cycle has repeated itself but I popped into the archives to get some sort of an idea and was transported all the way back to November of 2017, which is when Kaepernick’s lawyer confidently stated he’d be signed to an NFL team within 10 days.

Welp, it’s been 967 days and he still hasn’t found a roster spot but there have been plenty of other reports suggesting it’s only a matter of time until he does. Shortly after he signed his deal with Nike in 2018, his lawyer once again prophecized an NFL contract was right around the corner, his agent was reportedly contacted by teams after a number of quarterbacks went down early into last season, two teams supposedly reached out after his infamous trainwreck of a workout (unless that number was actually zero), and the most recent report from Silver is just one of a few that have surfaced over the past month or so.

Have I helped perpetuate some of these rumors in the past? Absolutely, and while I don’t know if this helps my case, I didn’t break any of those stories because I’m not a Journalist like the guys who generally do. Unlike them, my phone contains the number of a grand total of one NFL player and the only reason I have it is because I used to buy weed from him in college. In the past, I assumed the reporters on the front lines only relayed this information because they genuinely believed something may come of it and now realize I was incredibly naive for doing so.

While the media is certainly culpable, I think even more of the blame can be placed on the teams that throw their name into the mix in the first place. While there was once a point where anyone who signed Kaepernick was just asking for a sizable chunk of their fanbase to revolt, that is decidedly not the case today. Are there teams with genuine interest? Maybe, but what better way to score some free publicity points than calling up a reporter and just saying you’re interested knowing there’s literally no downside if you don’t even make an attempt to follow through?

I’d love to tell myself these guys don’t know they’re being played like a fucking fiddle but the cynic in me thinks they’ll just roll with whatever scoop comes their way if they think there’s a solid chance they’ll get a few hundred retweets and an interview with Mike Florio out of it.

As a result, I’m officially quitting Colin Kaepernick rumors cold turkey and will take full advantage of the valuable minutes of my life I can now reserve for something else by not clicking on articles and watching videos with essentially no substance. Do I know what I’m going to do with my newfound free time? Not yet. Maybe I’ll get really into Sudoku. Regardless, there’s basically nothing I could pick that would be less beneficial than the alternative.

Oh, and while we’re doing this, let’s just stop giving a shit about Antonio Brown’s NFL future altogether. Our boy Mike has had a busy week, as he also claimed the Ravens were interested in signing the wide receiver only to see that claim swiftly contradicted.

Of course, they’re both members of the football press so I don’t know which one to believe less at this point but let’s maybe wait for the NFL to, you know, confirm he’s actually allowed to play in the league before we start discussing where he could land.