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THE HEADLINES

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INJUNCTION JUNCTIONS, WHAT’S YOUR FUNCTION?

*Plays Taylor Swift, “Bad Blood”*

The heated battle between Apple and Qualcomm has gone nuclear following a Chinese court ruling to ban the import and sale of iPhone models within the Great Wall’s confines. All models prior to the latest XS, XS Plus, and XR models are henceforth banned (the aforementioned weren’t on the market when the lawsuit was filed).

Qualcomm’s initial lawsuit claimed that Apple violated two patents in the making of its phones, one which allows pictures to be edited within the phone, and another that has to do with arguably the most “iPhone” feature of the iPhone: the touchscreen.

China’s decision could impact the other pending global lawsuits Qualcomm has brought against Apple. Currently, the US has denied the claims, in case you were wondering.

According to its website, Apple is not adhering to the injunction just yet, as they look to appeal the court ruling. But if we’re being honest, iPhone factory workers have a better chance of getting a living wage than Apple does of getting a fair shake in the Chinese courts.

The banned phones represent almost 40% of iPhone sales in China, and could be worth $12B to Tim Cook and Co.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “This is about the time in the plot where Tim Cook gets kidnapped by Juntao and his only hope is Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.”

 

MAY-DAY

Despite the blokes across the pond doing their best to put a damper on US markets with a decision to postpone a Parliamentary Brexit vote indefinitely, US markets rallied to a positive close, with the Dow overcoming a 500 point drop early in the session to close up 30 points.

UK PM Theresa May pulled the plug on a vote that was expected to fail miserably in the UK’s Parliament. With a March Brexit deadline looming the major sticking point remains: whether or not there will be a “hard” customs border between Northern Ireland (which is part of the UK) and Ireland “proper.”

With hardliners holding out for a clean break from the EU that would ensure strong independent trade deals, it is going to take more than a few lucky charms for May to get a deal done. A “No Deal Brexit” is the worst case scenario and would likely unleash the fury of thousand suns on the world’s economy … according to “experts,” at least.

But things aren’t that bad, right?

Feast your eyes on the most painfully British protest of all time. Lawmaker Lloyd Russell-Moyle, respectfully, mind you, tried to steal a priceless jewel studded mace that inexplicably sits in the middle of the House of Commons, apparently to prove a point that he was mad as hell about the Brexit vote, or lack thereof.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “‘Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are expecting. So I got that going for me.’ – every Brit ever.”

 

RESULTS MAY VARY

Tivity Health, creators of SilverSneakers, Prime Fitness, and flip50, are buying Nutrisystem for $1.3B. No word on if professional athlete Dan Marino will be contractually obligated to lie about having lost weight using Nutrisystem for Tivity.

Tivity is looking to slim down, with plans in place to cut costs by $30M per year. This likely means that some of Nutrisystem’s 600 employees should start sending their resumes to Jenny Craig.

As it stands today Nutrisysyem has a market cap of $1.01B compared to Tivity’s cap of $1.63B. The deal, as it stands, would place a 39% premium on Nutrisystem’s share value as of Friday. Tivity stockholders will own around 87% of the newly combined company.

As part of the merger, Nutrisysem CEO Dawn Zier will stay on as the president and COO of Tivity. Last year, Zier pulled in $4.7M between her cash and stock options. Plus she owns more than $12M worth of Nutrisystem stock. That is, of course, assuming the deal price of $47 a share.

Water Cooler Talking Point: “Back in my day we’d just buy multi-colored capsules filled with ephedrine at a gas station if we wanted to lose a few LB’s. I see you Stacker 2.”

 

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IN OTHER NEWS

• Welp, now Under Armour employees know who to thank for the company changing its policy on strip club expenses. Two execs in the sports marketing department, Ryan Kuehl and Walker Jones, were shown the door amid questions about their spending habits as it relates to “events” and “nights out.” You don’t have to watch Ballers to read between the lines here, folks.

 

• Quick, name something that European banks do better than US banks. If you said commit systemic fraud (see: Danske Bank) and run their business into the ground (see: Deutsche Bank), you’d be right. And now Standard Chartererd and HSBC are coming for the crown. The two British institutions were allegedly misled by Huawei into funneling illicit cash into Iran, more colloquially known as money laundering.

 

• Alphabet is distancing itself from its misguided social network, Google+, quicker than Netflix killed off Frank Underwood. After discovering another security bug that exposed the private info of ANOTHER 52M subscribers, the company plans retire the network months before its previously expressed expiration date. And how’s this for bad timing? Alphabet CEO Sundar Pichai faces Congress today as part of a privacy hearing.

 

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