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THE HEADLINES

 

THE NAME IS JOHNSON, BORIS JOHNSON

Boris Johnson is the new Prime Minister of the UK. Yup, that’s right, that guy who looks like he isn’t allowed within 1,000 feet of Chuck E. Cheese will lead Great Britain during one of its most trying periods.

The transition of power will become official today when Queen Elizabeth II officially appoints Johnson PM … and publicly beheads Theresa May, or something like that. 

How’d we get here?

Welp, similar to the unexpected exit from your last job, the UK had enough of Theresa May’s bullsh*t, mostly the fact that she failed three times to convince Parliament that her Brexit plan was kosher. Amid pressure from lawmakers and plebs alike, May offered her resignation.

Johnson, known as the face of Brexit (really guys, couldn’t do better than this?), seized the opportunity to run for leader of the Conservative party, winning in a landslide

What’s next?

Make Brexit Great Again! BJ will be tasked with doing what May couldn’t: getting a Brexit deal done … all before October 31st. And he’s got a fighting chance, especially if he plans to kill the “Irish backstop,” the controversial clause that would ensure there is no secured border between the UK and Ireland.

But even if the new PM can’t get UK’s Parliament and EU brass to greenlight his deal, he’s got a backup plan: a no-deal Brexit, which is the equivalent of every disaster in SimCity happening at once. Seriously, this is the stuff of economic and political nightmares.

 

MAKIN’ THAT GUAC

“Alright you guys, listen up. We won a game yesterday. If we win one today, that’s two in a row. If we win one tomorrow, that’s called a winning streak.”

Snap just beat earnings for the third consecutive quarter. Looks like Evan Spiegel is going streaking. Snap stock, at the time of writing, jumped more than 12% in after-hours trading, nearing its $17 IPO price which it hasn’t hit since last March.

Revenue increased 48% from a year prior to $388M, beating estimates of $359M and dwarfing the $262M figure from last year. And that’s not all, global daily active users (DAUs) came in at 203M, thus beating estimates of 192.4M.

The stock is up 169% this year.

Double meat

Chipotle is coming in hot, nearly doubling its digital sales in the second quarter and beating earnings expectations. Let’s go to the tape, shall we? Adjusted EPS came in at $3.99 compared to $3.76 expected and same-store sales growth was 10% compared to analysts estimated 8.3%. The stock is up 4% in after-hours trading.

Costs of food, beverages, and packaging rose 1.1%, due in large part to avocados. Cali and Mexico (because have you ever had a Florida avocado?) have hardly been able to keep up with Becky’s insatiable thirst for avo toast.

 

THE MUNCHIES

Canadian-based pharmaceutical and cannabis grower, Tilray is purchasing Smith & Sinclair, a boozy-edible maker, to develop a line of CBD products. A weed dealer not selling edibles is like a Billy Joel cover band that strictly plays 80’s Joel.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed but Tilray has bought into the UK based Smith & Sinclair’s proven track record of developing innovative new products. The “Willy Wonka for adults” is looking forward to accessing the pot companies distribution network.

And this isn’t the first time Tilray has thought outside of the box. Last year it partnered with AB InBev to research a weed-based drink.

Regulators, mount up

CBD distribution is governed differently than that of THC because CBD doesn’t contain the feel-good elements that get you high. Hence, it isn’t illegal. Still, the FDA is eyeing the marketing of CBD products.

It went as far as to send a strongly worded letter to the CEO of Curaleaf, the US’ biggest pot provider, claiming that the company’s product descriptions make them sound an awful lot like prescription drugs. Curaleaf’s website and social posts claim that the snake oil will treat pain, anxiety, ADHD … and erectile dysfunction.

CVS, which had sold Curaleaf CBD products in some 800 stores since Congress legalized it last year announced it would stop selling the products in question until further notice from the FDA. Curaleaf’s stock dropped 7% on the day.

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IN OTHER NEWS

• Good news! You no longer need a Dish Network satellite on your roof to warn people that you’re not a self-respecting citizen of the 21st century. Now you can sign up for the “fourth carrier,” the only wireless provider that will inexplicably be inferior to a combined Sprint and T-Mobile. Dish will purchase $5B worth of Sprint and T-Mobile wireless assets which should clear the way for a Sprint/T-Mobile tie-up. The DOJ looked to protect consumers by forcing divestiture of assets, but the plot thickened when Sprint/T-Mobile and Dish couldn’t come to terms on the length of time Dish would need to hold the assets. That is, until now. The trio have reached an agreement, allegedly 3 years.

 

• The Department of Justice will open a “broad antitrust probe” into “tech companies” (read: Facebook, Amazon, and Alphabet). One can only hope its a full cavity search. The investigation, which will not focus on data-related misdeeds, will open the kimono on dominant tech players accused of thwarting competition. Shares of Facebook, Amazon, and Alphabet fell on the news. Ball don’t lie.

 

• Zion Williamson has found a home with Nike, after signing a deal with the company’s Jordan brand. The deal comes just four months after his Nike shoes blew out mid-game, sending the company’s stock plummeting 1.7%, and sending Nike employees to China to tell it’s child laborers to build a stronger shoe. Williamson, the New Orleans Pelican, joins the ranks of LeBron James and Christiano Ronaldo as ambassadors for the brand.

 

• Nasdaq is jumping into the sports betting world, lending its technology to British gambling platform Football Index. Bettors are able to buy “stock” in players like Harry Kane and Lionel Messi, with stakes tied to players’ on-field performance. Through Football Index, users get the experience of fantasy sports wagers mixed with the stock market speculation of traditional trading.

 

• The crypto community has been aflutter over the whereabouts of Tron CEO Justin Sun. As of Monday, Sun, who was supposed to meet with Warren Buffett on Tuesday, had to postpone due to “kidney stones.” Not a bad excuse, even if you’re meeting with the Oracle of Omaha. Reports then surfaced that Sun wasn’t able to meet due to being stuck in China for legal reasons, with the People’s Republic barring his departure. Sun was later filmed in a San Francisco high-rise, joking that he wishes he was in Miami, and the rest of us laypeople were left as confused as we started. 

 

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