Why Every Semester I Pray There Are No Hot Chicks In My Class, According To A College Professor

When I confess to strangers my occupation, men always ask the same question: “Do you get to have sex with your students?” And as great of a job perk, much better than dental, as that would be, I actually hope that every semester I don’t have attractive women in my class.

It’s tough to separate two aspects of my life: being a professor and a man in his 20’s. There are times when a female student will come ask me a question after class. For some reason, the first thought I always have is “she’s into me.” Why I assume this is beyond me, considering the more logical explanation is that she has a question about subject/verb agreement (in a deep recess of my mind, my penis is the subject, her naked body is the verb, and I always conjugate the verb properly). But then I’m snapped back to reality by doing my job. And that job always supersedes any fantasy that I have.

Look, it’s not that I think it could turn into a scene from Brazzers starring Belle Knox and me—college girls offering to blow me if they can get an A on their research paper (talk about grade inflation!). It’s that it’s tough to be fully attracted to someone when you have visible evidence of how unintelligent she is.

I’ll watch a girl like Stephanie, a 19-year-old volleyball player who has toned legs that are longer than Hayden Christensen’s career, walk out of my classroom. The single man in the prime of his life thinks, “My God, that is an incredible ass.” The professor wins though when he adds, “Yeah, but she doesn’t know what a run-on sentence is.”

I’ve been a professor at several universities. Often I teach summer classes, and with these come a ton of exposed skin. I’ve seen girls wear shorts that wouldn’t be classified as a handkerchief. One summer class I had, one student of mine, Angelica, an 18-year-old with a potential career as a Sofia Vergara body double, was wearing an outfit that would have been better suited covering a wounded baby sparrow. We were discussing the possibility of an emerging World War III. Angelica made a comment, one that I only hoped was a joke (but later learned it wasn’t), that she thought ISIS was the name of a horrible Goo Goo Dolls song. It made me realize that her bra size wasn’t the only time in life that she had been given Ds.

The student body at each college is incredibly diverse in ethnicity, age and life experiences. Essentially, it’s like a TubeGalore feed of attractive college girls. Want a MILF who’s coming back to school to find a new job to support her family now that her stripping career is over? She’s enrolled in Composition I. Interested in a former European model who emigrated to the United States to escape communism? She’s a student in Composition II. Got a thing for hot Asian women who revere authority figures and will submit to your every whim? Obviously she’s in Developmental English.

The spring semester starts in little over a month. When Santa Claus comes and visits me over the holiday break and he drops off my new class rosters, I hope it’s filled with nothing but Gertrudes, Alices, and other girls with names popular from the Great Depression: I’m positive a woman with a name like Eleanor would never wear a thong.

Professor William Delafield is an adjunct professor who works at several different academic institutions. William Delafield is not his real name, obviously, because he’d like to stay employed at those academic institutions.