Never Do These 5 Things If You Run Into A Professor When You’re Both Out Drinking

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Students forget that teachers are actual people outside of the classroom. Professors have other interests outside of the poems of 19th century Britain.

And as a guy in his 20s, one of my interests just so happens to be drinking. Most of my friends are single, like me, so we often find ourselves out at bars, spewing alcohol-inspired pick-up lines to women and slamming shots of Jameson back as if our manhood depended upon them. While I’m doing this, usually I don’t have a worry about what Monday’s work week will bring. That was, until, I ran into a student while I was completely intoxicated. Several times.

And that’s why there are five things that every college student shouldn’t do when seeing professors out drinking.

Spit Lies Like “You Are My Favorite Professor”

Whether expressing this is sincere or not, the sentiment after you and your friends just did Edward 40-hands and are now at the bar isn’t going to make any teacher feel great about his job performance. Instead, it just feels forced and awkward, like having sex with your wife.

Spill Your Guts

This is one of the most frequent ones to happen to me: if I run into a student who is in some way intoxicated, he/she will tell me a secret…”I came to your class high every day.” Dumbass, I knew that. Why do you think I always played videos with a lot of flashing lights and constantly stared at you while I was talking about whether or not marijuana should be legalized? No, it wasn’t just the pot paranoia.

Think Classroom Rules Apply 

If you’re a girl and you see your professor who is with guy friends, know something right away: You will be hit on hardcore. Like last-woman-on-the-planet hit on. Because, sadly, men are depraved beings who want nothing more than to relive their college days by banging some sorority chick. The best you can hope for? If you take him up on his over-the-top proposals, pray that he’s a gentleman that has a good job so he’ll buy you a delicious brunch the next day.

Admit You Didn’t Give A Shit

Students like to think they’re Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, this genius that just knows everything. To this extent, a drunk student told me, “I can’t believe I got an A in your class. I barely tried. Like, I put no effort into your class whatsoever.” A few things: First of all, it’s a community college, not Harvard University. Our academic standards are just above a high school but well below any decent charter grammar school.

If you strung logical sentences together, more than likely you’re going to pass a writing class with flying colors. Next, where you think you may be insulting me (because, let’s face it, how is that comment not insulting to how I grade?), realize who you’re really making fun of here—I teach at a community college. You attend it. You may have put no effort in whatsoever to get that A in my class, but I put no effort in whatsoever to finish my Master’s thesis–you know, the fifty-something page research paper that I did that gave me a graduate degree that allows me to teach snotty entitled millennials like you. 1-0 Professor Delafield.

Act Like It’s A Big Deal

Look, it’s true about most college students that us professors have been drinking way longer than you have—and we’re probably better at it too. We know which craft beer to drink, we enjoy a strong expensive scotch rather than doing any type of bomb (trust me, I’ve tried them all, and none of them are worth a damn), and we understand how to avoid the dreaded hangover. So why do all students act so surprised when they see an adult enjoying an adult activity? That’s like going to a strip club and seeing the creepy guy next to you get a lap dance, and for some inexplicable reason, he’s got a boner.

Wait, you mean to tell me this Stavos Katsopolis-looking dude purposefully went out of his way to do something he likes doing? The better question is: why are you looking at his genitals?

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